


True Happiness Exists when A Love is Shared

by snapegirl



Category: Holby City
Genre: Bisexual Bernie, Bisexual Serena, Canon Divergence, Demisexual Hanssen, F/F, F/M, Multi, Polyamory, Slow Burn, Unreliable Narrator, or at least I try to
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-06-04 17:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6668554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snapegirl/pseuds/snapegirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>None of them thought they will fall in love, let alone with two people at the same time. That said, it shouldn't be too hard right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Revelation - Henrik Hanssen

**Author's Note:**

> This will well and truly end up with all three of them together, so please leave if it is not your thing but if you want to see these three idiots falling in love, enjoy~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena and Hanssen had a bit of a chat over sandwiches in the Keller staff room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is after s18e15 Sins of Our Father, one of my favourite episodes.

“Give me a bean-counting beanpole from Sweden any day,” and with that, Serena Campbell walked away from the Conference room.

 

She recounted this rather eventful day for her in her mind as she headed down to Keller. Most of the staff will just carry on tomorrow as if it is just another day at work without realising how close they were to receiving a smaller funding, or even have to stop their research entirely because of the funds taken away by Guy Self.

 

Serena was agitated the whole day, the lack of action from Hanssen frustrated her to no end. She didn’t go out of her way to get him back as CEO just to lose him again when he decided to take a leave of absence with only “personal matter” as an explanation, leaving Guy to usurp the position.

 

The way things turned out by the end of the day took her completely by surprise. She had observed from the window, after her chat with Ric about the upgrade of Keller that Guy had offered, that Hanssen had returned to the Hospital. She had assumed at the time he just left something at his office but the little meeting with Jac Naylor and Ric told her otherwise. Not only did he return to the hospital to save a patient, he managed to allocate the funds to Jac’s stent project and gained the support of the clinical leads.

 

She arrived at Keller and stopped short in front of the Recovery Room.

 

Hanssen was sitting utterly still in the visitor’s chair, eyes on the ceiling and appeared to be deep in thought.

 

Suddenly, Serena’s stomach gave a protesting growl, breaking the peaceful observation. She doubted Hanssen had eaten anything for the entire time he'd been at the hospital today so when she headed down to Pulses, she grabbed an extra sandwich and coffee just in case. She took the same route back to the third floor and he didn’t seem to have moved at all. She knocked three soft but decisive raps on the glass.

 

“Mr Hanssen.” She spoke in nothing more than a whisper.

 

“Ms Campbell, how may I help you?” Hanssen rose from the chair and walked towards the door as Serena made no movement of going in the room.

 

“You haven’t eaten anything all day have you? I recall you just had a glass of water at Guy’s screening.” She held up the sandwiches and drinks carefully. “Not sushi but it’s something.”

 

He scrutinized her offering for ten seconds then turned his head back into the room and looked at the young man for another long moment. Serena’s arms were growing sore by each second.

 

“OK, that’s it. Hold this.” She thrusted the sandwiches into Hanssen’s hands. “The anaesthetics is not going to wear off for a while and your empty stomach is clearly affecting your decision making. Come along.” She stared at him, making sure he agreed.

 

“Well, when you put it in that irrefutable logic. If you would lead the way.” Hanssen followed Serena closely into the ward but they walked at a leisurely pace, their usual efficiency abandoned in favour of enjoying the silence the ward was bringing as most patients were settling in for the night. Serena turned into the staff room.

 

“You alright with eating here? Only Ric is in the Consultant’s office and you don’t seem to eat anywhere other than your office.”

 

“Why wouldn’t I be? As a matter of fact, I was sitting here just a few hours ago speaking to Mr Levy.” Hanssen made himself comfortable at the white plastic table. He slid the BLT across the table to Serena as she sat down opposite him, putting the coffees between them.

 

They ate in a companionable silence for some time. Serena took this chance to observe Hanssen: he ate carefully, chewing thoroughly and swallowing before taking another bite, occasionally taking a sip of coffee. His eyes were unfocused but fixed to a certain point beyond the table. She ate and drank much quicker, finishing everything before Hanssen barely started on his second piece.

 

“I’m sorry.” She suddenly blurted.

 

Hanssen’s gaze moved to Serena’s face and focused on her. Before she grew too uncomfortable under his intense stare, he put his Ham and cheese sandwich carefully back into the package and asked, “Whatever for, Ms Campbell?”

 

She talked to the empty package rather than looking at Hanssen, “I should have trusted you to have this under control. I should have realised business as usual is the best strategy. I shouldn’t have pushed you to fight against Guy Self –”

 

“Ms Campbell –” Hanssen can barely get a word in before Serena continued to ramble.

 

“Jac told me you had already talked to her about the potential funding of her stent project. You already knew Guy’s intention way before today and I acted like you were ignorant and –”

 

“Serena, stop.” Hanssen’s use of her first name stopped her right in her tracks. She looked up from the package to his face which at that moment, carried a soft smile. “There is no need for apologising. If anything, I should be thanking you.”

 

“Thanking me.” Serena was confused, very confused.

 

“Indeed. You may not have judged the situation as accurately as you would’ve liked, but you did set off a chain of action that led to today’s conclusion. You stopped me from running away, for a start.” When there was no reaction from Serena, he continued. “I’m afraid running away comes naturally to me, and I almost did, if not for you and Jamie.”

 

“Jamie?”

 

“Mr Trent. Owen was his twin brother’s name. An administrative error.” Hanssen has no intention of telling Serena a patient’s personal information. “Point is, you have done nothing wrong, Ms Campbell, so please don’t apologise. Though calling me the 'evil ice giant’ didn’t help matters.”

 

Serena huffed out a laugh as she remembered her outburst. “Guy mucked things up pretty well himself without your help. Apparently he called Professor Hope’s research ‘junk’ while trying to persuade Jac to support him.”

 

“A very grave mistake.” Hanssen picked up the second sandwich, “I am rather curious as to Mr Self’s reaction to the clinical leads’ decision, if you could fill me in, please?”

 

That prompted a slight quirk of an eyebrow from Serena. “I would have never put Henrik Hanssen and gossip in the same sentence.”

 

“Yet here we are.” He began eating the second sandwich.

 

Serena could no longer hide her widening smirk. “Oh it was glorious. He was so confident that he would get the support then everything just went downhill for him. Confusion did not even _begin_ to describe his face when I told him the R &D funding would be going to Cardiothoracic and all of us refused to support him.”

 

Hanssen’s gaze never left her face and she noticed he still had that soft smile that grew ever so slightly as she animatedly recounted the meeting.

 

“And as a parting blow, I told him to ‘give me a bean-counting beanpole from Sweden any day’” she finished with a full-blown grin.

 

“Is that how you think of me?” his smile vanished.

 

_Oh shit._

 

“He told Ms Naylor that! Not my words!” She scrambled to further explain but then she saw it, his typical smirk, "You are enjoying this.” She narrowed her eyes.

 

“I just thought that was too cold, even for you. I appreciate the confirmation.”

 

His face looked way too innocent, Serena thought.

 

“Anyhow, I should return to Mr Trent now that my stomach is full and my decision making is back to its full capability.” He took the empty cups and packages off the table and put it in the bin.

 

They walked back towards the Recovery and Hanssen stayed at Serena’s side as she waited for the lift back to AAU.

 

“Thank you, Ms Campbell –” He kept an eye out for Jamie Trent.

 

“Don’t sweat the small things, it’s just food and drinks.” She interrupted and waved her hand dismissively.

 

“– for everything. Getting me back to Holby, today, being a constant force at my side. If truth be told, I missed this place.” He continued as if there were no interruption, his face half turned away from her.

 

The lift arrived before Serena could formulate any response.

 

“Good night Ms Campbell.” He gave her a final nod before heading back towards his patient.

 

“Good night Mr Hanssen.” She managed to bid him farewell. There was only one thing occupied her mind as she got back to AAU.

 

_And I missed you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)


	2. Revelation - Bernie Wolfe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena got Bernie down from Keller to help with a case, they both surprised each other.

Bernie Wolfe rushed down to the foyer to see Serena in her bright blue scrubs and grey hoodie, right next to the Wyven Entrance.

 

“You paged?” She asked Serena breathlessly.

 

Serena took in Bernie’s slightly flushed face before handing her the green brief sheet. “St. James is on Black Alert, ED has overflown even with triages and Hanssen is busy dealing with it personally. The paras are sending him straight to us. Mason McDonalds, 23, multiple stab wounds to the abdomen, the knife is still in one of the wounds in the upper abdomen, possibly stomach. GCS 10, Heart Rate 130, BP 80/50, Sats 92%.” Between the time of getting her own page, walking to the entrance and waiting for Bernie, she had already memorized the pathology.

 

“Gosh, that could be tricky but that’s what I am here for right?” Bernie skimmed through the sheet.

 

“Oh yes only the best, so here we are!” The two shared a bright smile between them.

 

“That is, if they get here before Mr McDonalds loose too much blood, I’ve already told theatre to get prepped and get some O-Neg. Where the hell is that ambulance?” Serena’s expression grew darker as each second passed.

 

“How long have you been waiting?” Even Bernie was looking slightly agitated now.

 

Serena looked at the clock in the foyer, then looked to the floor and grumbled. “Two minutes.”

 

She then heard some odd sounds, a glottal bark that rhythmically emitted from her right. Jerking her head up so hard she almost gave herself whiplash, Serena realised Bernie was _laughing_.

 

Bernie’s face was facing the carpark, ready for action once the ambulance arrived so she was unaware of her companion’s movement. She seemed to be using her whole body to produce her laugh even though she was standing still. The sounds came from deep within her chest and each exhale was as powerful as the next one. Serena found herself grinning broadly as well.

 

“Are you always this –” Bernie asked Serena after recovering herself, then stopped short when she turned her head to her left and realised she was being watched.

 

Serena’s grin never faltered as she asked, “Yes?”

 

“Impatient.” Bernie quickly dropped her gaze in embarrassment, mistaking Serena’s smile as a mocking one, "Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

“Most people in this hospital wouldn’t _dare_ to make me wait. And what – what did you mean, scare me?” Serena tilted her head slightly.

 

“My laugh, Marcus used to say it was a terrifying sound.” She kept her face emotionless, determined not to let the usual crest-fallen feeling fill her chest whenever people were startled by her laugh.

 

“If people try to suppress your way of expressing your happiness, I don’t know what other monstrosities they are capable of. Your laugh was very heartfelt and I am glad you are finally relaxing – Ah there they are!” She edged closer to Bernie and confirmed the plate number of the ambulance that screeched to a halt outside the entrance. “You took your time!” She barked at the paramedics.

 

“Yes, sorry.” One of the paramedics drawled, “GCS has dropped to 6, we had to tube him on the way.”

 

“Alright, straight to AAU Theatre please, it’s been prepped. Ms Wolfe, you run ahead and change into scrubs, we’ll be right behind you.” She instructed everyone in a decisive manner.

 

“She would’ve made a good commanding officer.” Bernie said to herself as she walked briskly towards the locker room, unencumbered by the trolley.

 

Serena joined her in the Scrub Room minutes later.

 

“You realise we are going blind in there right?” Bernie asked.

 

Serena was washing her forearms, looking intensely at the tap as if it held the world’s most important question.

 

Suddenly she turned to Bernie, “If this is happening in the army, what would you do?”

 

“What?!” Bernie sounded incredulous.

 

“You heard me, CT and X-ray are having a back log longer than Sacha Levy’s face on a biscuit-less day, and ultrasounds are just going to prove what we already know: massive internal bleeding. I did send for a FBC and INR, all came back within normal range. So?” Serena turned off the tap with her elbows. “You are leading on this one, I’m just the vascular assist.”

 

She turned to the scrub nurse to get in the operating scrubs before walking towards the operating table together. Bernie then outlined her proposal of seeing if the blade had truly penetrated the stomach and repairing the other bleeds afterwards to Serena.

 

“Sounds good to me. Alright, let’s do this. Scalpel to Ms Wolfe, suction to me.”

 

As Serena was holding the suction, she watched Bernie hold the knife carefully and work her way around the abdomen of the patient. Her movements were precise, which most surgeons were anyway, but she also had an air of calmness which was a large contrast in this particularly unit. Even Raf wouldn't be this calm with such grave injuries.

 

“Lucky bastard, it didn’t even nick the stomach!” She carefully withdrew the four-inch blade from the wound.

 

Serena peered into the abdomen, “Then the blood is coming from somewhere else… aha, a small aortic transection and a ruptured spleen! You repair the aorta, I’ll do the splenectomy?”

 

“Now who’s leading?” Serena could see from the eyes above the mask that she was being teased. “Sure go ahead.”

 

“Thanks. Clips.” Serena held out a hand to the scrub nurse.

 

“Graft.” Bernie said. “You know people keep telling me to discard the ‘army way’, you are the first one to ask me that.”

 

“Oh yes, why ask an army medic to work here if we don’t want her knowledge to be used at all!” Serena said sarcastically. “I am not saying you get to perform reckless ops here but that doesn’t mean you have to flush everything you know down the drain.” She went back to taking out the spleen and missed the thoughtful look Bernie sent her.

 

Between them, they stabilised the man in less than an hour without him flatlining even once.

 

“Well done, Serena. That was some work there.” Bernie said as they walked out of theatre into the ward.

 

“You're the one who shined in there, aortic transection can be difficult to repair. Even I have trouble getting the graft to hold sometimes. Whereas I've seen many ruptured spleens in my _illustrious_ career.” Serena replied.

 

“Iron lady of Holby has something she struggles to do? Well I feel honoured.”

 

“Oh god those boys on Keller are a bad influence on you.” Serena groaned. “Have you considered working down here instead so that I can reassert my dominance?”

 

“As much as I love treating trauma, Keller is treating me well. Though I have to say working with you has been amazing.” Bernie smiled softly at Serena.

 

“Aww thank you, but I would rather not have another St. James’ Black Alert, in the next year preferably.”

 

“Oh sorry to interrupt Ms Campbell.” Cara Martinez walked up to the pair from the nurse station. “Mr Hanssen called while you were in Theatre, he said St. James took down their Black Alert, normal service will be resumed.”

 

“Thank you Nurse Martinez.” Serena noticed Cara was still standing there, in fact she has started to fidget a little.

 

“Cara, is there something else?” she asked.

 

“He also has a message for you, he said to tell you ‘to calm down, it is not the battle of Ragno – Rag’… sorry it’s something foreign, he said you’ll understand.” Serena guessed that she must be having a maelstrom of an expression on her face because Cara was looking at her like she had swallowed something funny.

 

“It’s Ragnarök, yes I do understand.” Serena answered automatically before dismissing Cara.

 

She could barely keep together and ushered Bernie into the Consultant’s Office before bursting into a high-pitched, ringing laughter.

 

“Oh that man!” she exclaimed as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

 

“Why did Hanssen just mention the Norse doomsday?” Bernie asked from her perch on Serena’s desk.

 

That almost sent Serena into another peal of laughter. "Probably because I was rambling down the phone at him when he told me St. James had an almighty cock up yet again. He was referring to another time when I was slightly pushy. I actually hung up on him this time because I got the page of Mr McDonald.” She was still grinning broadly.

 

“Oh.” Bernie said knowingly. “I should go up to ITU to check on him.”

 

“Want me to come?” Serena asked as they walked out of the office, towards the entrance of the ward.

 

“No, I think I can manage it. Also I think your company is needed elsewhere.” Bernie gestured to the door, where Robbie was looking straight at her, holding up two lunches.

 

“Thank you for helping today.” Serena held out her hand.

 

Bernie grasped it and shook it firmly once but not letting it go. “Thanks for having me. And by the way, your laugh is very heart-warming too. Don’t let anyone take it away from you.” She finally let go of Serena’s hand and left the ward, nodding to Robbie as she passed him.

 

Serena watched Bernie’s retreating figure, her golden hair gently swaying from her movement. She was hyper aware of the residual heat in her right hand and found herself smiling, and not entirely because of Robbie’s sweet impromptu visit.

 

_Well, this complicates things six ways from Sunday._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> The black alert has nothing to do with the Casualty episode that Hanssen was in. Let's just say St. James is very unlucky...


	3. The Stairway Snooze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena's simple day did not have a simple start as she witnessed an unusual sight. It led her to a certain theory.

_Today is going to be simple._ Serena thought as she stood behind Fletch in Pulses for her daily caffeine need on one Sunday morning. Clock in, cover Hanssen’s administrative duties, clock out, visit Jason for dinner, and lastly watch the replay of last year’s World’s Strongest Men with him. Tyre lift really is boring, Serena much preferred the vehicle pull, or the stone lift. Her mind inadvertently wondered to Hanssen as the image of any stone lift permanently associated itself to the man’s imitation with her safe on the CQC day. It amused her to no end, even now, that her boss had not only tried to restore the order in her office but had entertained her nephew without any hesitation.

 

Her musing was cut short as she ordered her drink and move aside to wait. “Morning, Fletch!” She grins at the clearly yawning Charge Nurse, “finishing your shift?”

 

“Morning Serena. Just half way through actually, I am covering the day shift for Nurse Carter, she got a nasty case of flu. I figure with Evie on a school trip and Raf at home today, I could pull a double shift,” came the heavily-accented cockney reply.

 

“Careful Fletch, you don’t want to pull anything out trying to cope with the hurly-burly of AAU for more than 12 hours.” She teased him.

 

“If I didn’t already have four kids to deal with every day, I would agree with you. You’re not on the ward today yeah?” Fletch sighed a little in content as he inhaled the coffee.

 

“Nope, only on Deputy CEO duty today. Why the man still does night shifts _baffles_ me.” She took the freshly brewed coffee and walked towards the lift with Fletch.

 

Fletch stage-whispered, “The Big H moves in mysterious ways.” He grinned as Serena let out her infectious laugh. “Speaking of, if you are going to Keller, can you see if Ms Wolfe is still there? She and Mr Hanssen got called up to Keller for an emergency RTC patient three hours ago, the Ward Sister called me half an hour ago that they stabilised him and will be back down in a mo, only I haven’t seen them when I came out for coffee.”

 

Something was nagging on her mind as she listened to him. _Oh._

 

“What do you mean ‘called up’? Why is Hanssen on AAU?” Serena’s frown got even deeper as more questions popped up, “did something happened before the RTC?”

 

“Whoa whoa calm down Serena, nothing happened. It’s just that Hanssen spent the night shift on AAU, that’s all, he brought a bunch of files down to AAU and worked with Ms Wolfe.” Fletch quickly allayed Serena’s fear before it grew into a full-blown panic.

 

She wanted to ask more questions but the lift had arrived and Fletch assured her that nothing major occurred last night. She waved goodbye to Fletch as he headed towards the opposite direction of the lift to AAU and stepped inside, pressing the “3” for Keller. There was a pull in her stomach when she heard that the usually private Henrik Hanssen elected to spend his hours of night shift with Bernie Wolfe. She was good company, certainly, but from what she heard, they did not exactly have a very smooth start of a –

 

_Relationship._

 

Serena can’t help but jump to that conclusion, cliché though it was, but it seemed to be the case. She briefly entertained herself with the potential possibility of Hanssen in love might make the general lives of staff easier, though the tug at her stomach was still present and in fact growing. Jealousy? God no because heavens know that Bernie deserved some happiness, considering what she had been going through, divorce is painful. Serena spoke from experience. If there is someone who would understand Bernie’s need to work, it would be Hanssen. Serena supposed if there was no messy break-up between the two of them then she is fine with it. She resisted the urge of driving to St. James to punch that arsewipe of a man when she heard the news, but she cannot promise not to give Hanssen a major bollocking if she had to physically stop Bernie from drinking and hold her until she fell into a drunken stupor like last time.

 

Her legs had subconsciously brought her through the ward and right into the Consultant’s office and only when she hung up her coat and bag did she realise that the office was empty, neither Hanssen or Bernie was in it. She held onto the coffee and peered out to observe the calm and silent ward in the early morning, no sign of them near any beds or the nurse station. She walked out of the ward to call Hanssen, maybe they were back in AAU after all, and she needed to know what paperwork she would be dealing with today. Before she could even look up Hanssen on the contacts, she saw them.

 

Two figures with different sets of scrubs slumped rather inelegantly on the stairway, she never knew those two colours complemented each other fairly well until now. Hanssen, in his blue scrubs, had managed to curl into a ball with his ridiculously long limbs tucked into his body, his head lolling slightly against the wall as his chest rose and fell gently with each breath. Bernie was almost an opposite image of Hanssen: legs stretched out in raspberry scrubs and her head planted firmly on Hanssen’s shoulder, her luminous blonde hair falling in her face.

 

As much as Serena would have liked to stand there and watch this utterly unexpected yet endearing scene for eternity, she had to wake them up: day shift was about to start in 30 minutes and she really didn’t think _CEO and Consultant Falling Asleep in Staircase_ would make a good gossip headline.

 

“Hey, MajAcc on the ward!”

 

She knew that she didn’t have to shout, the acoustics of the stairwell meant that the echo bounced her voice enough to get them up. What she did not expect was Bernie shooting right up and promptly tipping forward, straight into Serena. She managed to catch Bernie, holding the coffee out of reach at the same time. She caught Bernie’s scent right in her face as Bernie clung to her: disinfectant from the scrubs, faint mint from her hair, and deodorant from her exposed skin. Serena could feel Bernie’s heart thumping very quickly through the thin fabric, probably due to the sudden wakening but somehow, her own heart seemed to be increasing in speed, matching Bernie’s. She took another subtle sniff, telling herself it’s just normal breathing.

 

Serena moved her gaze from Bernie’s face to Hanssen’s who was stabilising himself with the railing. “Wha- Why- How?” she spluttered before realising they were in no fit state to explain the situation without some help. They both looked absolutely wrecked with fatigue.

 

“Oh for heaven’s sake. Take this, share it, I don’t care but I got just the one.” She reached for the closest hand (Bernie’s) and place it around the cup, making sure she was holding it tight enough before taking the lid off. She watched as Bernie handed the coffee to Hanssen first then drank the rest of it after Hanssen downed half of it. Another tug in Serena’s stomach.

 

“So, now that we are slightly more conscious, any explanation as to why you were sleeping here instead of, oh I don’t know, the on-call room?” Her shock was transforming into frustration and it was bleeding into her tone quickly, the other two picked that up in an instance.

 

“Sorry,” Bernie had no idea why she was apologising, “someone was in the on-call room. We just finished a liver resection and a vascular reconstruction on an RTC –“

 

“– and that’s just a part of an extensive list of things we have accomplished in the last 10 hours, Ms Campbell,” Hanssen interjected with a slightly croaky voice.

 

“Oh wow, finishing each other’s sentence now, are we? Right, shift’s changing soon so get into the office before anyone sees you two treating the stairs as an impromptu B&B.” Serena waved her hand vaguely between Bernie and Hanssen.

 

“Rest assured Ms Campbell, I have no intention of having my breakfast here.” The two women looked at Hanssen, wide-eyed. He stared back at them with a blank face but Serena could see the slight twinkle in his eyes.

 

 _He is still the wind-up merchant I knew before he went away._ Serena thought before turning back to the ward.

 

“Good Morning lovely ladies of Keller!” a chirpy voice floated upwards from the stairs.

 

“Morning Dom, oddly cheerful, where’s Arthur?” asked Bernie.

 

The smile on Dominic Copeland's face turned into a small mock pout, “AAU, he went to see Morven and left me all alone.”

 

“Oh dear! Come on, Ms Campbell will be your companion today.”

 

“Ah no, I am not the on-call consultant today, Sacha is. I’m only management today and I suggest you don’t disturb me during your shift or on your head be it.” Serena’s eyes flashed dangerously.

 

“Is Hanssen on night-shift? Ooooh Ms Wolfe did you and the beanpole fell asleep again on some surface that is not in the on-call room?” Dom nudged Bernie with his shoulder and completely oblivious to the warning look from her. He focused on the raised eyebrow of Serena instead as they made their way into the ward.

 

He continued gleefully, “Oh yes there was once when they finished stabilising a bowel obstruction patient on a wrong dosage of heparin, they left me to finish closing up so I was the last one to scrub out. I looked out of the window and there they are, using each other as pillows in the waiting area outside Theatre!”

 

“I’m sure to you it is a fascinating tale but do keep it to yourself, Doctor Copeland.” Hanssen’s voice came behind Dom.

 

“Mr Hanssen." He closed his eyes in resignation.

 

Serena took pity on Dom at this point, “Mr Hanssen, I really need you to brief me on your progress with the board on the next quarter’s budget, I have a meeting with the Chairman this afternoon. After you?” A brief look at Dominic sent him scurrying away.

 

The day went on pretty smoothly afterwards, just as Serena planned but her mind kept wandering back to the events in the morning, with the now familiar tug in her stomach every time it happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> We came up with this idea just for fun at first but it itched me day and night until I write it down so I can safely say this is the scene that started the whole thing! 
> 
> I don't think Hanssen works night shifts anymore but he certainly did when he was Director of Surgery and CEO in s13e48 Night Cover so I just go with it.
> 
> Nurse Carter here is a tribute to Mary-Claire Carter, I love her to bits and really miss her. Unfortunately, this is not her, just someone with the same last name.
> 
> I would give good money to see Serena giving Hanssen a grand bollocking (over something that is less depressing than her mother of course).


	4. The Devil's Fruit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena's theory got more ground for belief; Hanssen and Bernie got a History lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see: New tags!!!!! 
> 
> In honour of the latest episode (The Coward's way) confirming Bernie is Bi, the rest of the main characters sexuality settings are as above.
> 
> This chapter has nothing to do with that episode but don't fret I will definitely be dealing with the fallout of Bernie and Serena in later chapters.

                                                             13:00

<Message                **Bernie Wolfe** Edit

 

                                                Free for lunch?

 

Sure, got a sandwich

already, you go get

yourself something.

 

                                                I’m at Pulses,

                                                need anything?

 

Coffee? Please??

 

                                                Goes without saying.

                                                :-)

 

Thank you.

Your office?

 

                                                I’ll see you there.

 

  

Serena put away her phone and ordered two coffees and a Panini at the counter. There was only so much alcohol they could drink after work, even with their current relationship status, so they extended it to having lunch as well. They didn’t occur regularly, but Keller could be peaceful sometimes and if there wasn’t anything too major that Raf couldn’t handle, she could spare half an hour in the refuge of her office with Bernie. Holding her purchases, she walked with a spring in her step, anticipating the respite from the rush of AAU.

 

That was, until she turned a corner and saw Hanssen striding ahead of her.

 

“Mr Hanssen?” 

 

He turned towards her voice.  _Is he holding a salad?_

 

“Ah Ms Campbell, the very woman.” He stopped walking and waited for her to catch up.

 

Serena groaned inwardly, so much for the respite. “How may I help?” She walked past Hanssen, knowing that he'd walk alongside.

 

“I went to Keller earlier in search for Ms Wolfe, and I was informed she came down to AAU. Is she still there?” 

 

Serena felt an unexpected wave of disappointment at the question. “She is in my office, we are about to have our lunch.” She said.

 

“I see,” said Hanssen. “Mind if I join you?”

 

Serena looked at him like he had just declared a day off for all hospital staff. “I thought you wanted to see Ms Wolfe?”

 

“I need to speak to both of you actually and contrary to popular belief, I do need to eat as you have witnessed before. So to use time economically…” He trailed off in his explanation.

 

“You decided to grace us with your presence, how lovely.” If it weren’t for the panini and the drinks, she would have gestured wildly. “And what a huge sacrifice you've made too, eating rabbit food.”

 

They stopped in front of the ward entrance. Serena’s full hands meant she couldn’t swipe her card against the reader and get them in. Thankfully, Hanssen was already in motion, swiping his staff ID and holding the door open for her silently.

 

She thanked him and walked towards her office where Bernie was waiting outside.

 

“Hello you! I knew your hands would be full,” she took the drinks from Serena and went into the office.

 

“I am afraid we have a visitor!” Serena said with an exaggerated brightness.

 

“Ah Mr Hanssen, salad I see,” commented Bernie with a hint of a smirk.

 

“Yes, astounding observation, Ms Wolfe,” said Hanssen.

 

Serena sat at her own desk while Hanssen and Bernie sat on the chairs next to the door, with one seat separating them. Serena thought they were going to eat in peace for a while before Hanssen revealed the true purpose of his visit so she started on her lunch. She noticed as she ate that Hanssen carefully placed every slice of tomato in a neat stack on the plastic cover of the container with his fork, then placed it, equally cautious, in the middle of the chair between him and Bernie. She was fascinated by the perfectly stacked slices.

 

_Well, he does know how to use chopsticks and being a surgeon, he has to have quite the dexterous fing-_

 

Serena grabbed her coffee and took a hasty sip, hoping she wasn’t blushing furiously. Her eyes returned to the pile just in time to see Bernie reaching a hand out and tugging the cover closer to her. She then attempted to fit all the tomatoes into her sandwiches.

 

Serena’s eyebrows were disappearing into her hairline at an alarming rate.

 

“Mr Hanssen, you do know Ms. Wolfe is…” Serena laughed uncertainly, “Stealing your tomatoes?”

 

Bernie looked up from her lunch. “Oh don’t worry, he doesn’t eat them anyway.”

 

She said that rather confidently, and when Serena looked at Hanssen, she realised Bernie was right. In fact, when her comment inadvertently brought his attention to Bernie and the haphazard heap of her sandwiches, he let out a _shudder_.

 

The tug on her stomach made her decided to change the topic.

 

“Okay, so what is the matter? You said you wanted to speak to both of us,” she asked Hanssen.

 

He put down his fork. “Ah yes, a patient you treated together. Mr Mason McDonald?”

 

“Yes, multiple stab wounds with a minor abdominal aortic transection and a ruptured spleen. Why?” There were no complications and according to Bernie, he was doing well on ITU and being taken off their hands.

 

“Have you spoken to the father of the patient at all, Ms Campbell?” asked Hanssen.

 

“I did,” interjected Bernie. “He seemed worried but not in an unusual way.” She shared a concerned and confused look with Serena.

 

“Mr McDonald wishes to pursue a formal complaint,” said Hanssen in a grave tone.

 

“What?!” they both exclaimed, Bernie’s loud demand blending with Serena’s low and flat tone.

 

“Against Ms Campbell, alone.” Hanssen shot Bernie a warning glance, advising her silently not to do anything rashly.

 

“You are joking, you are actually joking!” Serena was ready to explode. This had to be personal otherwise the complaint would’ve been to the both of them, not just her alone. “What was the complaint?”

 

Hanssen’s fingers drummed on his thigh, struggling to find a way to explain the situation. “Mr McDonald Senior seems to be under the impression that you ‘took the organ out with malicious intent’.”

 

Hanssen avoided Serena’s furious glare and glanced at Bernie. She took in Serena’s pursed lips and stony expression. “And you are taking this seriously, surely you are not believing him over a consultant’s judgement?” Bernie asked Hanssen.

 

“This is a serious allegation so I would like you to run me through the rundown of the surgery as a witness, Ms Wolfe.”

 

Neither of them noticed Serena’s contemplation as Bernie gave a blow-by-blow of the surgery.  _McDonalds. Furious. Why is this reminding me of my dad? Why only me? Grudge?_

 

“– The blade didn't do any damage to the stomach –” Bernie was saying just as Serena arrived at the most far-fetched yet most logical explanation, she would need some confirmation.

 

“Ah sorry to interrupt,” Serena spoke abruptly. “Is he Scottish?”

 

Hanssen’s eyebrows twitched as he looked at Serena and Bernie was staring at her at a loss, her mouth slightly agape.

 

“How will the ethnicity of the patient, or indeed the father, be in aid of anything?” he demanded.

 

She ignored the question. Instead, she leaned forward slightly and asked impatiently, “Well?”

 

Hanssen sighed and silently waved a hand from Bernie to Serena, inviting Bernie to answer the bizarre enquiry.

 

“Yes. So?”

 

Their bewilderment only increased when she relaxed back into her chair. In fact, she had started smiling.

 

“Could you please relay this message to the father for me: my maiden name is McKinnie and my cheating ex-husband is an idiot,” she took a leisure sip of her coffee.

 

Hanssen actually took his glasses off at this point and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Have you not yet grasped the gravity of this situation? Your _career_ is on the line here, Ms Campbell.”

 

Serena found herself focusing on the rare sight of a spectacle-less Hanssen. He looks more Swedish with the glasses off. _Rather striking actually_.

 

“And I am dealing with this! Look, you know that I can’t talk to him personally so tell him that, if there is no change, then we can’t do anything until the formal hearing anyways. It’s worth a shot don’t you think, Mr Hanssen?” She was trying very hard to keep the smug look on her face to a bare minimum.

 

Hanssen stood up and strode out of her office after throwing down a curt “As you wish”.

 

Bernie let out the breath that she hadn’t realised she was holding. “I take pride in my people-watching skills, Serena. I thought I had already read Hanssen quite well,” she began.

 

“Not many people have the guts to say that. Tell me then, what did you read about our esteemed leader?” Serena said in a hushed voice as if they were talking about a national security matter rather than gossiping about Hanssen.

 

“Intelligent but with a compassionate nature, a good CEO who has things under control before they can even get out of hand but that…” Bernie looked at Serena in awe, “You riled up the unflappable Henrik Hanssen.”

 

“You jealous?” Serena quipped.

 

Then she made the mistake of glancing at Bernie.

 

The expressions on her face morphed from one to another in quick succession: shock, bafflement, suspicion and lastly stayed at a wide-eyed astonished comprehension.

 

Serena berated herself in her mind, she just opened a can of worms which unnecessarily sent her brain into overdrive and ultimately confirming the theory that they were in a relationship.

 

 _The tomatoes didn’t help_. She tried to ignore the heavy feeling in her stomach.

 

The pair sat in awkward silence. Bernie stoically picked at her remaining sandwich while Serena busied herself with the computer. To the relief of both occupants in the office, Hanssen returned fairly quickly.

 

He looked slightly alarmed when he sat down in his previous seat; his eyes a fraction wider than usual, he blinked rather forcefully, as if to clear his head. The other two stared at him expectedly, he stared back at them for a moment before speaking.

 

“I… I am at a loss, ladies. As soon as I delivered the message, his whole demeanour transformed. He dropped the complaint and sent his apologies to Ms Campbell,” he nodded to Serena. “My question is this: how?”

 

Instead of answering, she twisted the screen of her computer and showed the Wikipedia page to them.

 

“Massacre of Glencoe,” they read the title aloud together.

 

“A killing of the McDonald clan, executed by Captain Campbell. You can see where the anger is coming from.” Serena explained while they were reading.

 

“But that was _three hundred_ years ago!” exclaimed Bernie.

 

“Three hundred and twenty-four actually, and that didn’t stop my father from shouting the house down when he found out his daughter came back from Harvard with the last name of Campbell.” Serena shrugged.

 

“In this case, very well done, Ms Campbell. Consider me duly educated.” Hanssen nodded at the other two people and left the office, taking his fork and the empty container with him.

 

“I…ah should get back to Keller.” Bernie was avoiding Serena’s eyes, choosing to rearrange the office back to its usual order.

 

“Yup, I got patients. See you later,” Serena was not looking at her as well.

 

“Thanks for the coffee.” Bernie held up the paper cup at the door of the office, smiling nervously, still not quite meeting Serena’s eyes.

 

“Anytime.” Serena was only marginally more successful in arranging her face to show her usual smile.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> This is the [Massacre of Glencoe](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Massacre_of_Glencoe) in this chapter. Technically, McKinnon clan pledged allegiance to England whereas McDonalds refused but at least they were not part of the killing...
> 
> I hold the same opinion of tomatoes as Hanssen. Hence the title, and incidentally I named the chapter before realising how it also suits the situation that the blasted tomatoes are the seed of misunderstanding for those two, the devil is at play here. *muahahahahahaha*


	5. Sian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected guest took Serena out for a drink and a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly bit shorter chapter.

There was little interaction between the two for the next few days as they worked themselves into the ground in separate wards. Serena welcomed the rush that came naturally with AAU, going home every day trying not to think about either Bernie or Hanssen. What frustrated her the most was that Shiraz only served to rouse the memory of Bernie’s smile behind wine glasses in Albie’s. The times they did bump into each other were exchanges in small talks and awkward exits.

 

She walked out to the foyer after work one day and saw Bernie step out of the lift, with Sian Kors, Serena’s University friend.

 

“Sian? Why didn’t you tell me you're in the hospital?” Serena asked, really smiling for the first time in days.

 

“Oh, just a presentation the board has invited me to attend,” Sian waved her hand dismissively, returning the smile with her usual brightness. “I was about to pop in to see you actually!”

 

“ _Please_ tell me you are not here for Mr Di Lucca,” Serena mock admonished her with a gracefully arched eyebrow.

 

“Ye of little faith!” Sian laughed. “Raf is a nice boy but I am not the lady in his mind,” she added with a knowing look.

 

“Ooh, sounds juicy,” said Serena without a lot of enthusiasm. 

 

Normally, she would seize the chance for any gossip but she just wanted to rest today.

 

“No kiss and tell, Rena, but we are having a drink.” Sian hooked her arm around Serena’s and finally addressed the other person who had stayed at Sian’s side but yet to speak. “You coming?”

 

She then turned to Serena, “Ms Wolfe has been taking very good care of me, even invited me to observe an operation.”

 

Serena and Bernie met each other's eyes at long last. Serena noted while Bernie looked slightly tired, she was still radiant. Her hair framed her face perfectly like a golden halo; her cheeks were rosy and her eyes were sparkling with life, just like after every successful surgery. Whereas Serena was perfectly aware that she probably looked like a wreck.

 

Bernie was the first to avert her gaze. Serena hastily brought her eyes towards the car park.

 

“Thanks for the offer, but I have…er,” she said to Sian, a little flustered. “Paperwork.” She finished weakly.

 

“That’s a shame, maybe another time,” said Sian, a bit too overdramatic in Serena’s opinion.

 

“Well then what are we waiting for? Come on Sian, let’s go.” 

 

Serena started to walk briskly out of the hospital, almost dragging Sian with her but not before Sian threw a “Thank you for today. Hopefully, I’ll be seeing you!” and a wave over her shoulder to Bernie.

 

Sian offered to drive and she took Serena to a fancy-looking club. Turned out she is the club’s VIP and has a private room to her name. They settled down nicely with their own choice of poison.

 

“What was all that about earlier?” Serena mumbled.

 

Sian didn’t answer her question, she asked Serena one instead.

 

“How’s your love life now that Robbie is out of the picture?” she was watching Serena like a hawk as she whipped her head to face Sian.

 

“What? I don’t – that – no – why are you asking me this?!” Serena reacted indignantly.

 

“Anyone you fancy? Man? Woman?” Sian continued to ignore her and ploughed on with the questioning.

 

Serena rolled her eyes. “Now come on Sian.”

 

“What?” Sian asked innocently. “You and I both know we didn’t work out was not because I am a woman now is it?”

 

Serena’s lips curled at one corner at that statement. "Oooh a relationship, the two of us, can you imagine that?” Serena teased.

 

She and Sian had a spark the instant they met but one kiss was enough to tell them that a relationship, physical or romantic, was never going to work out. They remained steadfast friends: Serena at Sian’s side as she transformed into a social butterfly, getting into one relationship after another with all kinds of people; Sian at hers in return as Serena flirted her way through her year but never really getting into anything. University with Sian was an unforgettable experience.

 

“Don’t change the subject,” Sian chided Serena. “I am not blind you know.”

 

“Wouldn’t dream of saying that,” Serena mumbled into her wine.

 

“So it is Bernie Wolfe that caught my dear Serena’s eyes then?” Sian leant a bit closer and giggled.

 

“Does it matter?” her tone turned pleading now, hoping her friend would just drop it.

 

“Of course it does, Rena, you deserve to be happy and obviously Robbie aren’t ready to accept the whole of you.”

 

“Exactly! How would I know it won’t be the same with her?” Serena raised one hand in frustration.

 

“Aha! So it is her!” Sian was wearing a triumphant expression on her face, then it turned serious, “you wouldn’t know until you have talked to her.”

 

“It is a moot point anyway, she might not even like women,” Serena said dejectedly and downed the rest of her wine in one go.

 

“And you don’t want to throw yourself at her just to be rejected. Well, that is fair I guess,” Sian shrugged. “If only she wasn’t staring at you like the million-pound settlement case my associate managed to get his hands on,” she continued nonchalantly as she added more wine to Serena’s glass.

 

_What?_

 

Serena knew her incredulity must be showing quite clearly on her face because Sian was laughing very hard.

 

“Oh right, I forgot you were too busy pretending she was invisible to notice anything,” she said between gasps of laughter.

 

“Right.” Serena huffs in good nature.

 

“Well then go for it, I told Raf that life is too short to make it more complicated than it needs be, I am telling you the same now,” Sian said solemnly.

 

The mention of Raf reminded her the conversation earlier and she groaned suddenly.

 

“It is complicated enough, she is with someone already.” She explained when Sian looked at her in concern.

 

“Do you know him?” asked Sian.

 

 _Oh yes, and you know him too_ , thought Serena but she elected to nod instead.

 

“Maybe you all can work something out? She certainly looked like she will be up for it” asked Sian hopefully.

 

“Not everyone is as…flexible as you.” Serena was certain Hanssen would never agree to this and she has no intention of being the source of any kind of grief. She wasn’t even sure what her personal opinion of Hanssen was.

 

“You have answers for everything don’t you?” Sian was getting slightly irritated now.

 

“You know me best,” Serena threw an arm around Sian’s shoulder. “Now spill the beans, what happened after The Opera? From the sound of it, you still shaved your legs for nothing.”

 

That successfully distracted Sian and the rest of the evening was spent gossiping about various members in the hospital. Serena went home feeling considerably cheerier. If there was nothing to be done, may as well just focus on work, her only solace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> Next Chapter is the fallout from "The Coward's Way"! It's written already, undergoing edit at the moment so stay tuned!
> 
> Sian has quite the character and I wish she can appear more. Honestly, the way Serena immediately jumped to the "No, we are strictly a 'couples' couples" response when Sian asked what she and Robbie are doing that night in One Under left a lot of room for imagination.


	6. Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raf noticed Serena was moping; a discovery changed everything after Bernie tried to apologise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the fallout from "The Coward's way"!!
> 
> This is canon divergence from now on, it will still loosely based on the episodes but things will not happen like they did in the episodes.

Betrayal hurts.

 

It burned so sharply when it first exploded, she could feel it carousing through every vein and artery, she could almost list them as the fire of hurt dominated her entire being. It settled, eventually, into a molten weight around her heart. Every now and then, it would flare up and the tightness would squeeze, forcing her to stop whatever she was doing to take a deep breath and exhale harshly to get rid of it.

 

Serena could count the causes of this very singular sensation on one hand: Edward, time and time again; the loss of the CEO position when Hanssen failed his promise and Guy Bloody Self swanned in like she never mattered. And now her.

 

_Inhale. Exhale._

 

So she worked. Staring at paperwork until her eyes ached, cutting and dicing injuries until her hands and legs were sore, talking to patients and relatives until her throat was raw; physical pain was better than this imaginary sensation, there was something she could do about those aches and soreness but nothing for that tightness except -

 

_Inhale. Exhale._

 

Even then it was only temporary.

 

“Enough, Serena,” came a soft voice from the office door of AAU.

 

She hadn’t even realised she was staring at the same sentence for the last ten minutes.

 

Raf di Lucca was in his usual AAU blue scrubs when he stepped into the office and closed the door behind him. “Last time you dodged work like this, Edward sent you that wedding invite,” he joked.

 

His attempt of a joke successfully made her huff out a laugh as she remembered the amusing day that was nicknamed within the ward _Napoleon V. Toy Soldier_. Surprisingly, the mention of her ex-husband did not provoke the usual flare of tightness.

 

“What do you want?” She went back to the same sentence.

 

“We're worried,” he sighed. “First, you busied yourself with every case you’ve got but at least you were only slightly distracted and maybe a bit tired. Then Bernie’s affair got out, now you basically flat out refuse to stop and you look exhausted.”

 

“We?” Serena kept her eyes fixed on the file. “Don’t forget, I _am_ a workaholic. And how does Bernie Wolfe factor into your little observation?”

 

_Inhale. Exhale._

 

Even saying her name hurts.

 

“Because no matter how hard you have worked before, you don’t snap at nurses or F1s. But in the past week, you've made three nurses cry and Morven gave you a wide berth from the second day after the rumour started. Fletch is too busy trying to keep the ward peaceful so that we don’t have a mutiny. So tell me, what’s causing all this?” Raf said, his Scottish brogue getting thicker as his concern grew.

 

Serena could only stare at him as the comments registered, so wrapped up in her own dark thoughts she didn’t even notice her change in behaviour that Raf had just mentioned. She must be an absolute nightmare in the past few days.

 

“Raf, tell me, how did you feel when you found out Amy cheated on you?” she asked bluntly, finally abandoning the guise of reading the file.

 

He answered back equally as blunt, but his face was one of confusion.

 

“Shock. Hurt. Anger. Disbelief. Disappointment,” he paused for a moment. “This isn't Edward we're talking about though, unless…?” He tilted his head in question.

 

“Unless what?”

 

“You're feeling something for Bernie?” There was a hint of smile on Raf’s face

 

“Possibly,” Serena muttered, avoiding Raf’s eyes.

 

She watched in faint amazement as he planted himself on the seat, just as he did after her mother died. He seemed to always know when was the right time to leave her alone, when to force her to open up, and when she needed to listen to sense.

 

“Have you listened to what she had to say at all?”

 

It seemed that today was the third kind.

 

Raf took her silence as confirmation. He heaved a large sigh and started. “You don’t know what she'd gone through. I won’t pretend to know what she's feeling about all this but I think it's safe to say that she has more emotional baggage than a train to Glasgow!”

 

For some reason, his speed seemed to be picking up as he kept going, “With respect Serena, this isn’t Edward with his unhouse-trained libido or Amy with her burning desire to have children, we are talking about a woman who just had her private life exposed in front of the entire ward, and now the whole hospital knows. She needs someone to support her, not alienate her.”

 

“I can’t even trust her as a friend.” Serena crossed her arms.

 

“You two are so similar,” he chuckled, “Both of you lash out as a defence mechanism. I heard she burnt nearly all bridges in one go, even Dom isn't on speaking terms with her.”

 

“Yes because she accused him of starting the rumour!”

 

“Exactly! And here we have you, black cloud hanging over your head, snapping at anyone and everyone.” Raf changed to a softer tone, “Don’t you think you're overreacting a bit?”

 

“Did I really made three nurses cry?” She asked weakly.

 

He stared at her for a short moment before relenting. "Okay, maybe I was exaggerating a bit, only two nurses but Morven really was avoiding you. Anyway, here’s your chance to listen to Ms Wolfe,” he held out a case file to her. “Keller called, Mr Griffin was called to the ED, Sacha has called in sick, and they now need help on the Triple-A we sent up earlier.”

 

She took the file and opened it.

 

“Was that why you were talking so fast, get your point across so that you can kick me up to Keller?”

 

“Think of it as me caring about the patient.” He was wearing a very smug expression.

 

“Oh how very _thoughtful_ of you, Mr Di Lucca!” she spoke sarcastically, though she was also smirking.

 

Raf opened the door, letting both Serena and him out of the office and walked towards the lift behind the nurse station. He waited until she had stepped in and turned to face him before speaking, with his hands in his trousers’ pockets.

 

“I am not making excuses for her, but I’m asking you to listen.”

 

“Will do,” she pressed the level for Keller. “For the patient.”

 

“For the patient.” He repeated to her before the door closed and brought her up to Keller Ward.

 

She would be seeing Bernie Wolfe for the first time since that day.

 

_Inhale. Exhale._

 

She wondered how she would feel when she actually saw her.

 

In the end, there wasn’t much to think. She walked onto the ward just as a nurse was calling for help, a patient crashed and she quickly went to that bed.

 

“Ms Campbell! I – I didn’t know it would be you.” Bernie’s voice started from behind Serena and moved until they were on the opposite side of the bed. “I swear this was not on purpo –”

 

“It’s fine,” she snapped, effectively stopping Bernie in her tracks, “I’m here for the patient. Is he the Triple-A?”

 

“Yes. The aneurysm must have ruptured.” She looked to Serena.

 

“Theatre,” they both said at the same time.

 

“I’ll…I’ll alert theatre.” Bernie pointed awkwardly towards theatre and basically fled the ward.

 

The sound of water hitting the metallic sink provided a welcoming excuse and they did not exchange a single word while they were scrubbing up. Serena did not think her starting the ball rolling would be appropriate, especially if she was to listen to Raf.

 

“Serena,” Bernie said, getting the suction tube in the cavity, “I’m sorry for what happened.”

 

“Are you sure you are going to do this, right here, right now?” Serena asked, staring at her with wide eyes and tilting her head slightly to indicate the other staff in the operating theatre.

 

Bernie’s eyes shifted around and she didn’t talk for a considerable amount of time which Serena took it as agreement but she spoke again forcefully.

 

“Yes, I am sure, because this way neither of us can run away.”

 

Serena was slightly irked by Bernie’s assumption that she would not listen to her under any circumstances but Bernie said it like she was afraid to talk about it too.

 

“3-0 prolene. Well then, what are you waiting for? You have until I finish repairing the aortic wall, and I do those _pretty_ quickly,” she hoped her tone was light enough to show that she was not shutting her out but also not letting her go that easily.

 

“I lived by rules my whole life, it was easier that way. It also made me a coward. I told her I am leaving the army, I told Marcus I want a divorce, I told you I ended it. But I told none of you why, because I was scared. Still am. And now I have to face the consequences of my lies.”

 

“Because even if you run rings round them, it can backfire,” Serena whispered to herself.

 

Out loud, she instructed the scrub nurse to cut the thread. She caught Bernie’s eyes and jerked her head towards the scrub room. Bernie understood and left the theatre. Serena, on the other hand, stayed for a moment longer to check the suture lines and making sure the patient won’t die on her before dealing with the personal issues between themselves.

 

Bernie wasn’t in the scrub room or the locker room but a quick ask to a nurse revealed that she went into the staff room. She was staring out of the window when Serena walked in. So beautiful and tormented at the same time, her hair reflecting the golden glint of the setting sun yet her face was lined with exhaustion and worry. At this moment, it registered to Serena that she might be part of the cause to all this. The band around her heart suddenly tightened but she knew Bernie’s betrayal had nothing to do with it.

 

_Inhale. Exhale._

 

“Cup of tea?” Serena asked.

 

Bernie’s whole body jerked in response to the sudden question.

 

“Ah, yes please.” She sat up a little straighter.

 

When the kettle was boiled, Serena poured water into a mug, poured a dash of milk and handed it to Bernie.

 

“Thanks.” She put her hands around the mug. “You are a great friend, Serena. I don’t want to jeopardise it with my disastrous way of handling things.”

 

Serena was rooting around for sugar and spoke when she found it and set it on the counter.

 

“So you just regret that you were caught lying?”

 

“No!” Bernie quickly objected, “it’s the fact I have lied at all.”

 

“Good, because I really hope you won’t do that to Hansssen. You probably already noticed he valued transparency a lot and frankly I don’t give a damn whether you like women or men or both and I suspect neither will he but lying is definitely unacceptable. Despite what happened between me and him, I have come to be rather fond of him and his heart is most certainly not made of stone…” Serena turned around and saw Bernie’s utterly bemused expression.

 

“What?” She demanded at Bernie.

 

“Why are you suddenly talking about Hanssen?”

 

“We are on the subject on lying are we not? So cliché though it is, I am giving you the talk.” She grabbed the kettle with her left hand and started to pour the second cup for herself.

 

“What? No, weren’t you two together?” Bernie started to stand.

 

Serena startled so badly that the water completely missed the mug and landed directly on her right hand instead. Before she could even finish yelping and moved towards the sink, two strong arms closed around her and hauled her towards it., her injured hand was thrust into the jet of cold water. Serena turned her head and found Bernie’s face was just inched apart from her.

 

“I’m not,” she said weakly.

 

“Shhh don’t talk, that was boil –” Bernie stopped short. “What did you say?”

 

Serena saw Bernie’s eyes strayed to her lips and she involuntarily mirrored her action.

 

“There’s nothing between me and Hanssen,” Serena clarified.

 

“Me neither,” said Bernie.

 

The distance between them gradually shortened. Out of nowhere, the words Serena told Edward on Christmas’ Eve two years ago burst into her mind:

 

 _We had a future. Based on lies, deceit, half-truths, game playing, all our relationship’s ever been_ really _._

 

She pushed Bernie away with both her hands, one dry and one wet.

 

“Serena-”

 

“No, no, no,” she laughed humourlessly, “I am not getting sucked back into this all over again.”

 

She walked out of the staff room and quickly out of the ward. Cradling the slightly red and sore hand, she had to stop in front of the lift because it was getting difficult to breathe.

 

 _Inhale. Exhale_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> Triple A is Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm, just in case there is someone who doesn't know.
> 
> Catherine Russell is nominated for the long list of TV Choice award! You can for vote for her [here](http://www.tvchoicemagazine.co.uk/awards/vote.html). Voting closes on 3rd June midnight.


	7. Trust Issue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena was back from her suspension for the data leak, it didn't go quite well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some depiction of violence and symptoms of PTSD, not very graphic but they are present.
> 
> The suspension happened but what follows is not the episode "Running out".

As the taxi slowly reached the premises of the hospital, Serena mentally prepared herself for the accusing, or worse, pitying stares from the staff. She spent that week of suspension thinking about the data leak and the near kiss and then back to the leak again, berating herself for being so mightily distracted by the event that happened the day before the theft of her car. In the end, however, she only had herself to blame.

 

She kept her eyes on the floor, forgoing even her daily coffee and walked briskly towards the corridor of AAU. Just as she reached the entrance of the ward, she heard her name being softly called. She turned around and saw Hanssen on the Nightingale wing staircase.

 

“Welcome back, how are you feeling?” Hanssen inclined his head slightly when he approached her.

 

“Not sure if this is welcoming.” She looked into the ward through the glass of the door apprehensively. “I screwed the whole hospital up big time.”

 

“As always, fascinating choice of words.” He held the door open for her. “Shall we?”

 

“Thank you.” Serena let out a huge breath from her mouth.

 

 They stepped onto the ward and as always, it was busy and almost full to the brim. The attention of the staff at the nurse station was immediately drawn by Hanssen’s six-foot-four figure, and by extension, herself.

 

“You are back!” Raf cheered. He closed the file he was reading, stood in front of Serena and to her complete surprise, pulled her into a tight hug.

 

“Yes thank you Mr Di Lucca, glad to be back,” she said, blinking back the moisture from her eyes.

 

She shifted her glance to Hanssen and found that he was turned away from them, focusing on the ward and giving them some privacy.

 

“Now that I am back, there will be no slacking off!” She playfully slapped Raf’s arm and sent him back to work. “Mr Hanssen, I assume you would like to speak to me about the inquiry?”

 

“Yes…” he started but when he brought his attention back to Serena, she was already two steps ahead and walking towards the Consultant’s Office. By the time he caught up with her, she had already opened the door and stopped short at the sight of another occupant sitting in the office. “…And no.”

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Serena demanded before Bernie could even open her mouth.

 

“Er…I work here?” Bernie answered uncertainly.

 

“This was the other reason I would like to speak to you, Ms Campbell,” he spoke from behind Serena.

 

She stepped into the office and hung her coat and bag up with a rather unnecessary force which rocked the coat rack back and forth.

 

“Well?”

 

“The board will inform us in due time when and where the inquiry will be, but everything is still under review at the moment. As for Ms Wolfe’s presence, I will let her explain the reason but I will tell you that she will be working on this ward from today onwards for the unforeseeable future.”

 

“In no uncertain term?” Serena asked glumly.

 

“I’m afraid not.” Hanssen’s eyes slid between the two people who were refusing to look at each other at all. “Now I have no idea and no intention of knowing what happened between the two of you but with the turn of events happened thus far, you are not exactly the people’s favourite in the hospital. This ward demands intense concentration…” His gaze bored into Serena. “…and the trust of the staff.” The gaze switched to Bernie, "So work together, ladies. I will be back by the close of play.” With a final nod to both of them, he left them to their devices.

 

“Wow, the way he said it, you would’ve thought we burnt down someone’s house,” Serena muttered to herself but it was loud enough that Bernie heard it.

 

“Definitely felt like it on my end,” Bernie responded.

 

That made Serena frowned. "Come on, what could possibly be worse than being the source of a massive hospital leak?”

 

Bernie stood up and started stacking the files on her desk. “Vote of no confidence. The whole Keller Ward.” She sighed heavily.

 

“Ah.” Serena almost extended a hand to comfort her but caught herself just in time. “I’m sorry,” she offered instead. She was about to go out to the ward to start her day when Bernie spoke.

 

“About last week, the kiss… I’m sorry if I overstepped the mark.”

 

“Nothing happened.” Was Serena’s knee-jerk response, but after a small pause, she decided not to lie to her.

 

“This might not be the right time to say this, given your circumstances, but I am not going to jump into something with you when I can’t even trust you as a friend. Your work is still exemplary so let’s just leave it at that.” She gave Bernie a small sad smile.

 

“Thank you for being truthful.”

 

Serena nodded at her and walked out of the office. The day went on like any other day on AAU but to Serena, it felt like something new, something fresh after an entire week of stagnation. Even Jason was avoiding her by the end of the week as she was slowly descending, dangerously close to the abyss that was her past demon. Bearing Hanssen’s word in mind, she put everything else that weren't medicine out of her thoughts and concentrated on the patients.

 

Until lunchtime that was. Raf dragged her outside to the peace garden with her pasta salad and his stir-fry.

 

“I didn’t get to ask you what happened on Keller after our chat,” he asked, looking at her with bright eyes.

 

“Because I was suspended two days later?” She speared a penne and pointed the plastic fork at him. “I don’t know if you're trying to fish for gossip or genuinely concerned,” she accused him teasingly.

 

“So?” Raf was undeterred. “Did you at least listen?”

 

Serena chewed thoughtfully, debating internally how much she really want to reveal to him.

 

“She almost kiss - No, we almost kissed,” she said long after she had finished that bite. Telling him that they both mistaken each other were dating Hanssen was simply embarrassing and useless to what actually mattered.

 

There was no exclamation, no loud cry of disbelief but a simple and quiet query from Raf. "What happened?”

 

“Edward bloody Campbell.” She tilted her face up towards the rare sunshine, closed her eyes and leant backwards in the wooden chair.

 

“If flirting was an Olympic event, I could represent the United Kingdom and win the gold. But a relationship?” She cracked open one eye and watched his reaction.

 

“Robbie?”

 

“Raf…” she admonished him lightly.

 

“Sorry, sorry, not helpful I know.” Raf opened the lid of his lunch box and started eating.

 

Serena took a hearty sniff of the microwaved lunch. “How’s cohabitation with Fletch?”

 

“Want to try?” He offered it to her.

 

“Don’t mind if I do!” She took a small strand with the fork. It was truly amazing, she let out a happy hum when her taste buds exploded with the rich flavour.

 

“Good, isn’t it?” He smirked, but his tone turned serious, “Don’t change the subject.”

 

“Robbie’s fault was not calling back, she cheated on her husband. That’s two different things.”

 

“You don’t trust her, even as a friend, I remember.”

 

“I told her as such.”

 

“You what?” he stopped with the chopsticks halfway to his mouth. “That’s just cruel.”

 

She attempted to explain at his unimpressed expression. “It’s not like that. She tried to apologise for this morning for ‘overstepping the mark’, wouldn’t it be crueller to let her think she had basically forced herself on me?”

 

He shrugged. “I suppose so, but you do know why she's here?” He started eating again.

 

“Yes, the context is not ideal but I’m not letting her blame herself excessively.” She sighed.

 

“Sounds to me you have listened to her last week.”

 

“And _all_ thanks to you.” She patted him on the knee.

 

Both of their pagers bleeped at the same time.

 

“I've barely eaten the pasta!” Serena grumbled as she fished it from her coat pocket.

 

“One RTC from the ED.” Raf was already faster than her and her page confirmed the information.

 

“Come on, let’s go,” she said to him and they quickly packed up their lunch.

 

The two of them met with the trolley that carried the victim in the corridor that led to AAU. A girl no older than fourteen years old, with Fletch by her side along with two porters pushing the trolley.

 

“Fletch, talk to us,” ordered Serena.

 

“The ED can’t get a name from her, hit and run by a bike, x-ray showed a fractured left Ulna, suspected vascular compromise. Heart rate is a bit fast at 100.”

 

“BP and Sats are normal though,” remarked Raf as he read it off the monitor, “110/70, 99%”

 

“No massive internal bleeding then.”

 

Serena gazed at the girl as they moved swiftly along to the ward. She was not unconscious but she seemed to be squeezing her eyes with all her strength. "Has she been administered any pain relief?” she asked Fletch.

 

He glanced down at the brief sheet in his hand. “Uh, five milligrammes of morphine.”

 

They arrived at the ward, the bay nearest the nurse station was already empty and prepared for them.

 

“Okay people, get an FBC, Clotting and book a CT angiogram and an ECG just in case. In the meantime, up her morphine to 10 milligrammes.” Raf and Fletch started to diverge to their assigned duties by Serena.

 

“And someone call Paediatrics,” she said to no one in particular but she saw a nurse at the station nodded at her and pick up the phone.

 

“Hello there. My name is Serena Campbell, you're in Holby City Hospital, you're safe now. Can you open your eyes for me?” She spoke gently to the girl.

 

The girl seemed to relax at Serena’s soothing voice as she kept reassuring her that it’s okay to open her eyes. Slowly but surely, her face was no longer in its scrunched-up state, her eyelids opened fraction by fraction to reveal dark brown eyes.

 

"There you go.” Serena smiled her warmest smile. “Now I have told you my name but I don’t know yours yet, would you like to tell me your name?”

 

The girl continued to stare at her for an uncomfortably long time but Serena kept her gaze. Just as she almost gave up and looked away, the girl shook her head minutely.

 

“It’s okay, you can tell me whenever you want.” She sat down in the visitor’s chair, “Your arm is broken and we need to do a few tests, do you want me to explain them?”

 

Her nod was equally microscopic and it was all Serena needed to start her explanation. She was halfway through the simile of the CT scan as 'a train journey through a tunnel' when a gruff male voice boomed across the ward.

 

“OI! What does she have that we don’t have? We have been here for ruddy ages!” It was Mr Fisher from bed four, opposite the girl’s, his wife had a laceration to her leg and was actually waiting to be discharged.

 

Serena turned back to the girl, an apology ready on her lips when she found the girl had regressed back to her initial state: eyes shut tight and face contorted.

 

 _She is scared, not in pain._ Serena suddenly realised.

 

“I’ll be right back,” she whispered to the girl.

 

Stalking right up to him, she demanded in a low voice which she only reserved for a board member who refused her efficiency proposal on the basis that she was a woman. Said board member never appeared in meetings anymore.

 

“You are upsetting my patient so please keep your voice down. She is waiting for the discharge paper and prescription meds so we will get to your wife _when we get to your wife_.”

 

Intent on getting back to the girl, she made the mistake of turning her back on Mr Fisher.

 

Halfway back to her bed, Serena felt her feet suddenly cease to be firmly planted on the floor and she was slammed into the wall next to the girl’s bed with a sickening _crack_ as her head connected with the concrete along with the left side of her body. The only things she could register was the pain, and the screaming. As she slid to the floor, she realised it was too high-pitched even for her.

 

It was the girl.

 

The scream sounded like it was never-ending. Serena wanted to do something to comfort her; to let her know she would be fine but she couldn't move a single muscle.

 

Then, somewhere above her, a voice said, “I am going to lift you up, hold onto me okay?”

 

“Yes.” she rasped, knowing that moving her head would be excruciating.

 

She was then slowly and gently picked up from the floor and her arm was put around a shoulder, a hand securely on her waist . She could smell disinfectant, mint and deodorant radiating from the heat next to her that Serena subconsciously recognised.  _Bernie._

 

She could still hear the screaming when she was placed carefully on her chair in the office.

 

“The kid…” she muttered.

 

Bernie cupped Serena’s face carefully and directed her attention to herself. “Do you trust me to deal with it?”

 

“Yes,” she answered before she even had time to consider what she was supposed to say.

 

“Don’t go anywhere, and stay awake yeah?” Bernie made sure she got a reply before grabbing something from a drawer along with her phone and left the office.

 

Serena did not feel the urge to sleep. Even if she did, she still needed to know if the girl had stopped screaming in such distress that pained her so deeply in that split second.

 

And it did. Shortly after Bernie went back to the ward, it faded into nothing.

 

Only then did she check her own condition: No blurred vision, no dizziness, no nausea, only a pounding pain from the side of her head that hit the wall and the dull ache from her left arm told her that the bruising there would be magnificent.

 

“Alright let’s take a look at you.” Bernie came back into the office and squatted in front of her, holding out a penlight. “Look at me, that’s it.”

 

She ran Serena through the standard test for concussion, then felt the head injury with her hand.

 

“Well, either your head is made out of concrete or rubber because other than a bump the size of an egg, you're fine.” Bernie stood back up, pulling a chair from behind her and sitting down.

 

“How’s the girl?” Serena winced slightly when she felt the injury herself.

 

“Alice is fine. She is asking after you in fact.”

 

“How - Wha - What did you do?” Her eyes must be as huge as saucers.

 

“Get her name? A combination of security, the curtains around her bed, texting and noise-cancelling headphones. She was already rapidly losing control because of the general noise of the ward and the kind doctor getting hurt was the last straw,” Bernie explained.

 

“She didn’t want to say a word so she wrote them down instead,” Serena attempted to decipher the purpose of each thing Bernie listed. A thought suddenly occurred to her. “Noise-cancelling headphones? Where did you get those?”

 

Bernie scratched the back of her head absent-mindedly and when she answered, she wasn’t looking at Serena. "Sometimes when things get … too much, it helps me to remember where I am, not where I think I am,” she told the safe on the shelf.

 

This time, Serena did stretch her arm out and try to comfort her but the sore feeling flared up as she lifted her arm, forcing an “ow” out of her. Bernie’s attention instantly snapped back to her. “Your head?” she was hovering above her, ready to assess any damage.

 

“No, my arm.” The reassurance came swiftly.

 

“May I?”

 

At Serena’s assent, Bernie gingerly unbuttoned and peeled back the leopard-print over shirt on her left side, revealing the vest beneath it and the upper arm.

 

“Ouch,” commented Bernie as she saw the large bruise already forming on Serena’s bicep.

 

“I distinctly remember that was _not_ what I meant when I asked you ‘to work together’.”

 

It was Hanssen at the door. Serena quickly pulled back the shirt and covered herself.

 

“You got my call?” Bernie stood up and Serena noticed she positioned herself in a way that completely shielded her from Hanssen’s sight. Buttons were done when he was successfully distracted.

 

“Obviously, Ms Wolfe,” he said dryly. “How’s the young patient?”

 

“Calmed down significantly, she wanted to see Ms Campbell.” Bernie tilted her head to indicate Serena.

 

“I’m fine, I can go see her now.” She stood up and patted Bernie’s shoulder so that she could make room for her.

 

“You are in no fit state to operate.” Hanssen stood in front of her and blocked the exit.

 

“I didn’t say I will be operating, but I am telling her the blonde doctor who helped her and the tallest doctor in the hospital will be.” Serena tried to shoulder her way out of the office with her good arm but for a man who was abnormally thin, he was surprisingly good at filling the doorway.

 

“Why have I suddenly become your replacement?” He folded his arm in front of his chest.

 

“Well you're here now, might as well make yourself useful.” She allowed herself a small smirk.

 

“On one condition.” At Serena’s questioning look, he elaborated, “Allow me to examine the wound.”

 

“This is not a circus, Henrik.” Hanssen silently stood his ground. “Fine,” she sighed and carefully pushed back her hair to show him the bump.

 

He seemed to be satisfied and stepped aside after a short while. “Not a very good sign is it, Ms Campbell? First day back and was attacked by a relative,” he remarked when they all walked to Alice’s bed.

 

“I didn’t take you as the superstitious kind, wait here please.” She instructed Hanssen to stay outside and gestured Bernie to accompany her.

 

As soon as Serena sat down with Bernie standing behind her, Alice grabbed Serena’s right hand with her right and held on for dear life. She squeezes back just as tightly as she explained that Bernie and Hanssen would be taking over in her care, especially if surgery was required. Serena was most nervous at the part of actually introducing Hanssen to Alice as he could be intimidating at times.

 

He surprised both of them by being extremely considerate and gentle towards Alice.

 

“Is he … smiling?” Bernie whispered to Serena.

 

“Unsettling, isn’t it?” she replied. They looked at each other and Serena felt a surge of gratitude towards Bernie. “Thank you, for what happened.”

 

“Don’t mention it.” Bernie put her hands into the scrubs’ pockets and stared at the floor. “Me and Raf came out of theatre and saw you curling into a ball on the floor, with him standing over you - ” she stopped abruptly.

 

“Hey you said it, I have a rubber skull,” Serena said while looking at Alice’s tentative smile at Hanssen.

 

Bernie huffed out a laugh but didn’t respond. Hanssen spoke to them at that moment, signalling an end to the consultation.

 

“I’ll stay, you two discuss treatment options,” Serena said, unwilling to let go of Alice.

 

In the end, she needed surgery to repair an artery, Serena was at her side all the way into anaesthetic and promised her she would be there when she woke up. She managed to coax the last name from her before she went under so she spent the time reading up on her medical history and patient record. Her heart skipped several beats during her reading.

 

“Alice Lonsdale. Her mother, Louisa Lonsdale, was brutally attacked by a man two years ago, got to the ED but never regained consciousness,” she told Bernie and Hanssen in the side room after surgery.

 

“She witnessed the whole thing.” Bernie cottoned on. The three of them contemplated her sleeping form with expressions varied from sorrow to solemn.

 

Alice stirred and seeing the surrounding figures, she opened her mouth slightly and muttered a soft, “Thank you.” Before falling asleep again.

 

“Ms Campbell, you should get some rest now. Miss Lonsdale is in safe hands and I will inform you when she regains consciousness again.” Hanssen’s tone told her it’s not a request.

 

Bernie accompanied her back to the Consultants’ office.

 

“Difficult day.” Bernie was rooting through her drawer again.

 

“Painful day.” Serena rubbed at her arm lightly.

 

“Here, it’s from the ward.” A card was thrust at her, right at nose level.

 

She opened the bright blue card with a sparkling “WE MISS YOU” printed on top with a smile. There was many different people’s writing, even Cara, who was now on Darwin. Another card was slid hesitantly across the desk to her.

 

“That’s from me,” Bernie said before turning quickly back to her paperwork.

 

It was a very muted card compared to one she just got. Cream beige with a small water lily in the corner of the cover. The inscription inside was just as simple.

 

_I'm sorry._

 

She put both cards next to the computer screen and got up from her seat. Bernie looked up as she saw a shadow covering her. Serena stretches out her hand to her.

 

“Apologies accepted. How about we do this again: Serena Campbell, Deputy CEO, Consultant General Surgeon, AAU Clinical Lead. Nice to work with you.”

 

Bernie stood up and shook the offered hand. “Bernie Wolfe, Consultant Trauma Surgeon, AAU. And likewise.”

 

The two woman shared a smile before Bernie spoke again. "Coffee?”

 

“Sounds great.”

 

“Do you have a car to get home tonight?”

 

“…Crap.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> Serena getting hurt was not in my initial writing plan I swear.
> 
> I wrote this before "Running out" aired and when I saw what Bernie got for Serena in the episode, I know I can never top that so I didn't bother to change it. (I rage-screamed after cooing at the gift scene though.)


	8. Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This topic was going to come up whether Bernie liked it or not but Serena might have gone a bit too far?

“Tell me about her,” Serena said.

 

They were having dinner at an Italian restaurant in town. It is their third night out in a month already, a regular thing that happened on Saturdays when Jason was visiting Allan at the Stroke Unit. Bernie was usually free when Serena called her. She laughed at herself inwardly whenever she thought about the nature of these dinners, over 50 and suddenly she was not certain if these were dates.

 

“Who?” Bernie was cutting at her steak and asked absently.

 

“Her.” Serena tried to elaborate but frowned instead, “You know what; I don’t even know her name.”

 

The cutting stopped instantly as Bernie realised who “her” Serena was referring to. It then turned into an intense sawing.

 

Serena stared at her and said nothing, knowing any further attempt to coax Bernie to open up would not work; she would pretend the matter didn’t exist if it was never broached. She started the topic explicitly and that was enough.

 

“Alex, her name is Alex Dawson,” Bernie started just as Serena put her forkful of linguine into her mouth, the act of sawing now abandoned.

 

Serena nodded at her to continue. _I’m here to listen._

 

“I didn’t even know her face until we were in the same place for three hours.” Bernie chuckled. “I was slightly preoccupied with the gun-shot wound to the liver and my usual anaesthetist was seconded somewhere else. Oh sorry.”

 

“What for?” Serena frowned.

 

“You have this strange look in your eyes… Edward is an anaesthetist isn’t he?”

 

“It’s fine.” Serena took a sip of her wine. “This isn’t about me.”

 

Bernie observed her features for a while before continuing, “She was attached to my unit after that. To say we started on a rough patch was an understatement. She challenged my every decision, in and out of theatre. I am all for a healthy debate but her level of distrust was bordering on insubordination. I tried so hard to understand but all I got back was reluctant obedience and barely-suppressed despise.”

 

Serena’s expression was one of extreme confusion mixed with faint horror.

 

“That was my reaction for quite some time. I didn’t even know if I should ask around about her behaviour in case she blew up in my face and requested to be reassigned, she was too good an anaesthetist for me to lose and despite her attitude problem, we were a great team.”

 

“What changed?”

 

“A simple question, it wasn’t even deliberate. We were working on a particularly tricky case two weeks later and I just threw a ‘What do you think?’ to her, she looked at me like I had grown two heads or asked her to punch me. Her suggestion was the one we ended up using because it was more efficient and with less risk of infection during the surgery.”

 

Bernie took a bite of her steak, chewed thoughtfully before replying, “It wasn’t an immediate change, but at least we were on speaking terms outside of surgery, made sharing a bunker so much easier after that.”

 

“Did you ever find out why?”

 

“Eventually. There was this cadet who was in critical condition and we had to save him in the dust and heat. The Colonel was about to call it. I don’t know what came over me, I was just a Captain and she was of an even lower rank, a Lieutenant. We were basically disobeying direct orders for saving him but since we did save him, he could look the other way, and if he wanted to report us, he was well within his right.”

 

Serena didn’t know what to say. Bernie’s face was a bit distant, as if she was fully immersed in the memory.

 

“Then she decided to lunge at him after we got back to base. I barely got hold of her before she started shouting at him. From what I could hear amidst all the swearing and kicking, he disrespected and ignored her input because she was a woman and more importantly an anaesthetist; and it wasn’t the first time. I learnt something that day, sticking to the rules doesn’t mean not challenging them. Whether I follow that is another matter.”

 

Bernie shook her head exasperatedly. Serena wasn’t sure if that was to herself or to the antics of Alex. She went for another bite of her pasta and she was so engrossed that she didn’t realise the plate was empty until the clang of the fork against china made her jump.

 

“We should go,” Bernie said softly.

 

Serena could hear from her tone that it wasn’t a suggestion. While she got the bill, Bernie sat silently. The walk back to the hospital was sombre, if not tense.

 

“I don’t think I realised I was in love with her until one day her vehicle was hit by an IED. I tried so hard to focus on the man on the table in front of me but my mind kept wandering to her. I lost him in the end but I was so… relieved when I found her in the bunker with only a laceration to her arm.” Bernie stopped dead in the middle of the street.

 

Serena noticed that and did something impulsive.

 

She took Bernie’s hand and squeezed.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

“… Ms Campbell!”

 

Serena blinked, no longer was she standing in the street but on Keller, with Dominic standing in front of her across the table of the Nurse Station.

 

“Yes, Dr Copeland?”

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you.” His eyes were sparkling with traces of guilt.

 

She recalled what he had said that sent her down the memory lane. He was with Arthur and Zosia in the same restaurant as them on Saturday and saw them holding hands. He told her as such when she was up on the ward to deal with some referral paperwork.

 

“It’s not -”

 

“What I think I saw? Cor, you two are so similar,” Dominic scoffed.

 

“Excuse me?” Serena closed the file she was holding with a snap and drew herself up to her full height.

 

“When Ms Dawson was here-” he stopped abruptly, “You will have to ask Ms Wolfe yourself.”

 

 _She turned up at the hospital,_ thought Serena. Something Bernie said by the end of that day made sense to her now

 

“But if you want to talk about anything,” he continued to say, “you know where to find me.”

 

He gathered up the file he needed, nodded at her and left her to her own thoughts. She wanted to tell him that it was just a couple of dinners but after that night, it wasn’t strictly true anymore.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Bernie turned her eyes to her but Serena could see that they were glazed over, mind frozen in a place and time that wasn’t right here, right now. Serena held on and gradually her eyes blinked owlishly to clear the haze. They started walking again but it was fractionally more relaxed than before, never letting go of each other when they arrived at the hospital.

 

There was still some time before Jason finished his visit so they got in Serena’s new car and waited. Serena had almost let go of Bernie’s hand but a small “please” stopped her.

 

“I’m so sorry for bringing her up.” Serena fixed her eyes on the hospital ground through the windscreen.

 

“Don’t be. I have good days and bad days, even though today is not the best, it is certainly not the worst. But…” she trailed off hesitantly.

 

Serena glanced at her. “Yes?”

 

“I don’t think I can spend the night alone.” Bernie bowed her head and let her hair fell forward to hide her face. Then she suddenly exclaimed in a panic, “God I didn’t mean it that way!”

 

Serena understood what she meant but her attention was elsewhere as she caught sight of Jason walking out of the main entrance.

 

“Wait here.” Serena twisted her head to look back at Bernie when she got out of the car. Her eyes widened in remembrance that Serena had a nephew that couldn’t adapt to sudden change.

 

She talked to Jason and they got back to the car fairly quickly. Bernie now looked glum and slumped into her seat.

 

“Auntie Serena said you’re not feeling well but it’s not serious enough to be in the hospital, so are you staying with us tonight? She can take care of you; she is the best doctor in the hospital.” Jason asked straight away after he got the seat belt on.

 

“If you will have me.” Bernie watched Jason in the rear view mirror.

 

“When do you take breakfast? I take breakfast at 9 every day.” He looked back at her in the mirror.

 

Finally, there is a small smile on her face.

 

“I take breakfast at 9 on Sundays,” she said simply, looking to Serena who was observing them with a wide grin.

 

Serena drove them back while Jason filled the silence by updating them on Allan’s condition. He talked less and less as they were closer to the house and went upstairs without another word when they were there, leaving Serena and Bernie in the hallway.

 

“He okay?” Bernie asked.

 

“He just needs some time alone after every visit, Allan’s stroke is still affecting him. He’s all he had when his mother died three years ago and before he met me you see.” Serena directed Bernie to the living room.

 

“You two only met recently?” Bernie tilted her head in confusion.

 

“Long story. Tea?”

 

“Sure. Just don’t burn yourself this time.” Bernie attempted to joke but Serena’s smile turned a little wooden at it.

 

“I’ll try my best,” she said before going into the kitchen awkwardly.

 

Soon enough she walked back into the room with two steaming mugs. Bernie was sitting on one side of the sofa.

 

“I can probably clear some of the junk out of Eleanor’s room and you can use her bed for tonight.”

 

“I can sleep on the sofa,” She continued hurriedly before Serena could protest, “Really. If there was one benefit of being in the army, it’s that I can now sleep on any surface.”

 

Serena scrutinised her for a moment before relenting. “Okay, I’ll get some pillows and a duvet. Oh and Eleanor probably left some artsy t-shirt behind from her AmDram days, god knows why all of them are so ridiculously huge.”

 

“The thing about Marcus is,” Bernie broke the silence a few minutes later as they arranged the bedding, “Getting married to him was never an item on the agenda when I was twenty-five. I loved him yes, but I also got rushed into marriage by virtually everyone.”

 

Serena took her mug from the coffee table and stood at the foot of the sofa, watching Bernie settling into the make-shift bed. “Are you going to find her, now that everything with Marcus is over or at least call her?”

 

“No point. She gave up on me. Goodnight Serena.” Bernie sat on top of the duvet and closed her eyes.

 

“Goodnight Bernie.” Serena was about to leave the lamp light on and went upstairs with her tea but she turned around right in front of the door and planted herself on the chair perpendicular to the sofa.

 

“What the…?” Bernie was in danger of letting flies getting into her mouth.

 

“What? Like I am going to leave you alone after what I put you through. Now sleep,” Serena crossed her legs while drinking the tea and commanded.

 

“I…ah, yeah okay.” Bernie tucked the duvet up to her chin and almost mashing her face against the back of the sofa.

 

Serena surveyed the scene with an indulging smile. She made sure she could hear the gentle snoring from Bernie before picking up her mug and taking them both to the sink. She took a last look at her and went upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com) you can now also find Ro on Ao3 under the same name.
> 
> The updates after this chapter might be erratic because guess what? I am going back to Hong Kong for summer. For 4 months FROM TOMORROW. Combined with the time differences and lack of internet (I don't have wifi at home *laughs with tears*), it might take up to 2 weeks for a chapter update but I will try my best to stick to a weekly schedule.
> 
> To quote Fletch quoting Serena, "this is going to be excruciating."


	9. Up Before the Beak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The internal investigation about Data Leak is today, Serena is suitably nervous but she found help.

 Serena stepped out of the taxi and barrelled straight into Bernie.

 

“Whoa!” Bernie caught her with her hands on her arms. She was about to say something teasing but stopped short at Serena’s face. “Everything all right?”

 

Serena stared at her for a moment before shaking her head and sighed deeply. “I got an email before leaving the house, the internal investigation hearing will be today, four pm at the boardroom.”

 

“Today?!” Bernie said incredulously. “That is too short a notice.” Serena felt her hold linger slightly before leaving completely, she rocked forward but stopped herself in the last moment.

 

“To be honest, I just want to get this over and done with.”

 

“Even if the final decision is…” the word ‘sacking’ wasn’t mentioned but they both know what Bernie meant.

 

Walking together towards AAU, they somehow drifted closer to each other in the process. By the time they got to the ward, they were almost overlapping each other and their shoulders touching.

 

Hanssen was already waiting at the Nurse Station. “I trust you got the email?”

 

“Yes yes, the hearing’s at four.” Serena gestured vaguely with her right hand.

 

“Then you would know what my recommendation for the day for you would be.” He pursed his lips slightly and inclined his head down towards Serena.

 

“Then you would also know what _my_ response to that recommendation would be.” Serena parroted back with a steely stare of her own.

 

“Guys, I don’t think you should be doing this, it’s in the middle of the ward after all.” Bernie picked up several files and walked away.

 

“There are patients who need me, so if you will excuse me.” Serena was about to move past Hanssen but he started to speak.

 

“Just one more thing Ms Campbell, I will be attending the hearing but it will be conducted by Mr Angus Ferrell, the Chairman of the Trust.”

 

“Thank you, I’ll see you at four.” This time she walked towards the theatre schedule without further interruption. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Hanssen approach Bernie and exchange a few words. She waited until Hanssen left AAU before going over to Bernie.

 

“What did he say?” Serena asked as they walked back to the station.

 

“To ask me to keep an eye out for you which,” Bernie held up a hand when Serena tried to show her indignation. “I am going to do whether he asked or not.”

 

“That isn’t very helpful either. I don’t need looking after,” she grumbled in reply as she plucked a file from the pile Bernie was holding.

 

“Oh yes? Why did you come in in a taxi just now?” Bernie tilted her chin upwards to challenge her. Serena’s eyes shifted around slightly.

 

“Serena, think of me as a support from behind, not a pressure from above,” Bernie continued. “Want to look over this case with me?”

 

“Well if you want me to.” Serena read the file over Bernie’s shoulder. She whistled lowly after scanning it. “Seamus Hughes, forty-five. Cirrhosis of liver due to infection with high-velocity impact damage, does it mean he needs…?”

 

“Very possibly. That’s why I paged Nurse Harrison.” Bernie looked around the ward and the lift opened to reveal Essie Harrison.

 

“Ah, there she is,” said Serena, raising a hand and waving her over.

 

“I’ll leave you to bring Nurse Harrison up to speed with the patient status.” She stuffed the file into Serena’s hand and walked away hastily.

 

Serena kept glancing at Bernie while talking about the pathology, baffled that she paged Essie but left when she was there. “… so we transfer him to Keller to wait for a liver then?” she asked finally.

 

Essie shook her head. “Keller is full at the moment.”

 

“Oh fantastic.” Serena looked up to the ceiling. “The AAU theatre is only for emergencies and simple electives, liver transplants _alone_ take six hours, not to mention the assessment process and the wait for the liver! It’s too heavy for the ward. Transfer to St. James?”

 

“Does he look like he is fit for transport to another hospital? How about we do the assessment here, if and when we get an organ, we prep him and get him to Keller? Or if there is a bed of course.” Essie patiently waited as Serena weighed the options.

 

“That’s best we can do I suppose.” Serena fiddled with the necklace. “Let’s start the process now. CT scan and lab results will be back soon, I should terrorise the techs.”

 

“I’ll call Transplant UK. May I have the patient’s file, please?” Essie gave a cheeky smile and picked up the phone.

 

She handed the file over the desk and turned to look at Bernie who was talking a patient about test results. Her thin lips were curved in a small smile, it looked soft even under the harsh light of the ward. She wondered if it felt just as soft.

 

“How is she settling in?” Essie’s question yanked her out from her thoughts. Serena twisted her torso back to see her nod at Bernie, her hand covering the receiver, obviously being put on hold.

 

“We make a good team. What was that no-confidence farce anyway?” Serena asked but a response from the other side of the phone took Essie’s attention away.

 

“Yes, thank you, please keep me posted.” She put down the phone. “There is a possible organ offer, they’re waiting for consent. Mr Hughes is the priority in the local list so should be his if it is available.”

 

“Good. So?”

 

Essie heaved a huge sigh before replying. “All I know was that Mr Griffin called us all into a staff room one day and told us about the voting, I abstained but I don’t know about the others, it’s all anonymous. Dom is still pretty mad though.”

 

“Haven’t you asked Sacha?”

 

“No. But doesn’t she look like she is in a better place.” Her eyes were sparkling.

 

“This _is_ her natural habitat.” Serena raised an eyebrow as if to challenge her logic.

 

“With you I mean.” The cheeky grin has now grown into a full-blown smirk, Serena could only respond with a slacked jaw.

 

Essie picked up a pen and pointed at Bernie with it. Serena recognised this as the _Gossip Mode._ “I heard she was quite frightening when the relative threw you across the ward last week.”

 

“What?! Is that what everyone thinks that was what really happened? I was just being pushed against a wall, that’s it.”  Serena said when she finally found her voice.

 

“That wasn’t what I said. I will conduct Mr Hughes’ assessment interview now.” She walked away from the station with a pointed look at Serena.

 

She could only shake her head and sighed good-naturally. Essie meant well, just as she did with Angus, but things were never that simple. Thinking of Angus inevitably brought her back to the upcoming hearing, she sighed again, this time heavier.

 

“The CO2 saturation in this room is getting dangerously high.” Bernie appeared at her elbow.

 

“It’s an open ward, Bernie,” Serena said, rolling her eyes, unimpressed.

 

“With the amount of sighing you are doing? We are going to need to transfer them up to Darwin or Keller to avoid Oxygen deprivation.” Bernie nudged Serena lightly with her elbow.

 

“Speaking of Keller, they can’t transfer Mr Hughes in bed seven to Keller just yet, it’s full to the rafters so Essie is doing the assessment for the transplant here.” She watched Bernie closely and just as she expected, her eyes suddenly shifted around at the mention of ‘Keller’ and ‘Essie’.

 

“She abstained from the vote you know.” Serena’s tablet gave a ping.

 

“She did that?”

 

“Hmm yes,” she said distractedly as she navigated the machine. “Maybe the situation wasn’t as bleak as you imagined, you should still apologise to Dr Copeland.”

 

Serena opened to see an email with the scans and test results. She handed the tablet to Bernie and said, “The results and scan for Mr Hughes, want to update him together? You did ask me to get in this case in the first place.”

 

Bernie’s face seemed to both soften and brighten a bit at the smile Serena flashed at her.

 

“Come on,” Serena jerked her head towards Hughes’ bed. “If anything, take this as distracting me until my impending doom that is the hearing.”

 

“You seem oddly at ease…?” Bernie was looking at her uncertainly as they walked towards the patient.

 

“Oh you know what they say: ’If you go through Hell, _keep going,’”_ she quoted and turned to give their patient a reassuring smile _._ “Ah Mr Hughes. The test results came back…”

 

They then spent the entire afternoon trying to keep him alive and stable enough to at least last through the day. Serena was happy to see Bernie and Essie exchanged tentative smiles throughout the whole process. Her own mood, on the contrary, started to get worse as each minute passed.

 

“Shouldn’t we be going now?” Bernie asked, having found her still working in the office at quarter to.

 

“We?” Serena tilted her head.

 

“You were there when I was in a bad place to be alone, seems fair to repay the favour, and a hearing is certainly not something to be facing alone.” Bernie’s eyes focused on the ceiling.

 

“To be honest, I was about to ask you the same thing. Not,” she said, holding up the pen she was writing with, “As a repayment of any favour but you’re right, I need support.”

 

“Well then what are you waiting for?” Bernie smiled and waited by the door.

 

“I see you have dressed up nicely for the occasion.” Bernie said as they waited for the lift to the boardroom. Serena ‘s shirt was different from this morning, a purple-red blouse, the sleeves long enough to peek through the suit jacket.

 

“My armour, if you like. I see you are still in your scrubs.”

 

“A hard-working NHS employee.” Bernie spread her arms with a flourish.

 

They both chuckled at that statement and spent the rest of journey in silence. Outside the boardroom was Angus Ferrell and Hanssen, deep in conversation.

 

“Ah Ms Campbell, I see you have brought Ms Wolfe with you,” Hanssen said.

 

“I’m afraid Ms Wolfe is not allowed in this hearing. She will have to wait outside or back to work.” Angus said in a stern tone.

 

“I disagree, Mr Ferrell.” Hanssen towered over him.

 

“This is an internal investigation, not a circus!”

 

“Nor is this judgment day where Ms Campbell has to face everything alone.” Hanssen’s calm demeanour was a stark contrast with Angus’ rising agitation. “Besides, Ms Wolfe might be able to offer the panel a perspective that we are not privy to.”

 

“Fine.” He walked in the room after one last glare at Bernie.

 

“Does that man ever smile?” Bernie whispered to Serena as they all followed suit.

 

“Yes.” she stifled a giggle in response. “And shush.”

 

She sat down in the single chair across the table, opposite Angus, Hanssen at his left, the head of HR and other administration staff were present as well. Bernie pulled up a chair and sat on the far right of the room but still in Serena’s peripheral vision.

 

“Thank you all for attending on such short notice, I apologise for the organisation error.” Angus began and everyone focused on him.

 

It was nerve wracking to be on this side of the table. She had been both a member of a panel and an audience but she had never in her life been investigated by people who essentially worked under her. She recounted the events that led up to the realisation to the connection between the stolen car and the data leak with the calmest voice she could muster. Oddly, the bright blue blob out of the corner of her eye was a reassuring presence.

 

“Thank you Ms Campbell, the panel will now have a discussion and vote on the action we will take against you, please wait outside with Ms Wolfe, it won’t take too long,” Angus said, arranging the papers in front of him.

 

Serena stood up and when she was almost at the door, she turned to see if Bernie was following. She was still sitting down, face hard with fury.

 

“Against?” Bernie said. “You are going to punish her like… some sort of common thief? I haven’t been here long but she is a damn good surgeon and an amazing clinical lead and deputy CEO. I am not going to just stand here and let you use her as a scapegoat.”

 

“You are still sitting,” Serena mumbled to herself.

 

Bernie heard her and rolled her eyes at Serena. She stood up, facing the panel. “From what I had heard, this couldn’t be a coincidence. The entire car park is huge and Ms Campbell has an assigned parking space. That key lime shade on her car, ugly though it is, is not exactly conspicuous is it? You have to entertain the possibility of an intentional theft of the database.”

 

The panel members started to murmur amongst themselves, only Hanssen was looking at them with an unfathomable expression. His face was slightly twisted yet his eyes glinted.

 

“Well, this has certainly given the panel some food for thought.” Angus held up both of his hands. “Now Ms Campbell, can you _please_ take Ms Wolfe and wait outside?”

 

“Come on, Ms Wolfe.” Serena tugged on Bernie’s scrub sleeve, her lips now pressed into a thin line to suppress the smile threaten to break out on her face.

 

“My car colour is ugly?” she asked Bernie while on the wall along the door.

 

“Was. The dark blue of your new car is much better.” Bernie repeated her action beside her.

 

Serena crossed her arms. “Thank you for what you’ve said. Though -”

 

“It’s the right thing to say.” Bernie interrupted.

 

“Intentional theft is a bit far-fetched, don’t you think?”

 

“I spent the whole hearing thinking about it!” she tried to sound indignant but she was smiling broadly.

 

“The scrubs, that was intentional.” A statement, not a question.

 

“Did it help?” Bernie asked simply.

 

“Yes.” Serena’s answer was just as simple.

 

Hanssen poked his head out of the door.

 

“We are ready for you. Just a moment Ms Wolfe,” he said. “Given that what just happened, the panel doesn’t feel it is appropriate for you to be present, please wait here. Ms Campbell, after you.”

 

“It’s okay, I won’t be long.” Serena quickly said before Bernie could protest.

 

A formal warning.

 

“We have taken Ms Wolfe’s input into account and would transfer the matter to the police. However, your lapse of judgement cannot be ignored so the panel felt that a formal warming is sufficient as a reminder to keep your eye on the ball and prevent anything similar from repeating again. Any questions?”

 

Serena shook her head.

 

“Alright, this meeting is adorned. Thank you all.” Angus stood up and walked around the long table to Serena. “Serena, allow me to walk you out.”

 

“Thank you, Angus.” Serena walked beside him.

 

“I’m afraid there wasn’t much I could have done.” They stepped out of the room first and she saw Bernie jump up from the floor where she was sitting.

 

“I am grateful that the board decided not to sack me.” Serena held out her hand.

 

“I would never let that be an option. Ms Wolfe was right,” he smiled lightly at Bernie’s anxious face. “You are a brilliant Clinical Lead and Deputy CEO, you have great friends as well. Good day.” He shook her hand, nodded to both of them and headed to the lift.

 

“Nicely done in this time of adversity, Ms Campbell,” Hanssen said when he came out of the room.

 

“Can’t take all the credit, I have support.” Serena smiled at Bernie.

 

“’Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.’ Helen Keller. See you tomorrow.” He smiled lightly and walked away as well.

 

“So! Want to go for a celebratory drink?” Serena asked. She noticed Bernie looked a bit bemused. “What?”

 

“Angus Ferrell does smile…”

 

“Oh come on you.”

 

They went to Albie’s for a drink and Bernie offered to drive her home when it was time for Jason’s dinner and Serena had more than one as usual. They chatted and joked lightly throughout the whole journey.

 

“Here we are.” Bernie parked her car outside the house.

 

“Thanks again.”

 

“Glad to be of service,” Bernie said airily as she was looking out of the rear view mirror.

 

Smiling, Serena leant in and pecked her lightly on the cheek. Bernie turned so quickly towards her that for a second, Serena seriously concerned she'd given herself whiplash.

 

“Goodnight.” Serena left the car and walked towards the house with a long-forgotten lightness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> Angus Ferrell was described by PauseLiveAction as being “so stern he made Henrik Hanssen look like Graham Norton.” but that's before he met Serena. (then he turned into a comedic character...) 
> 
> Read her stuff though, it is so good.
> 
> I don't know how BBC is going to deal with Serena data leak but at the very least I hope they WILL deal with it.
> 
> There is a reference to another Jemma Redgrave's work in this chapter, anyone know what that is? (I'll answer it next chapter~)


	10. Champion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena told Bernie some of her best cases in Holby; Allan's condition was not the only thing that changed in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE! I am really sorry for being away for so long, thank you for waiting so patiently.

“So, what's occurring? ” Serena asked.

 

It was Saturday and they were out for dinner again, this time at a Vietnamese restaurant. Bernie was on shift today.

 

“An influx of Charlie Chaplins.” Bernie looked her dead in the eye as she drank something green.

 

Serena managed to keep her Vietnamese drip-filtered coffee down her throat. “Excuse me?”

 

“There was a Chaplin look-a-like competition in the town hall and a brawl broke out.”

 

“So serious that they can't keep them in the ED?”

 

“Two of them were stabbed with a pen; another has a fractured skull from being wacked with a clipboard; the other three were cleared by the ED and just there as visitors.”

 

“They all did that to each other and still visited them?” Serena had seen many things in her times at AAU, but that was something else entirely.

 

“Oh no, the perp was already in police custody when they got to the ED.”

 

“Blimey, that must have taken up your entire day. Unless there was something more outrageous?”

 

“No, but I might have trashed your office again?” Bernie asked cautiously.

 

“It’s your office now as well,” Serena shook her head good naturally. “Better you than me though. Also, how did you manage to be so messy when the army is all about order?”

 

“Hey, I am not the one who keeps forgetting her cup of tea and making new ones in a different mug every time!” Bernie retorted with mock indignation, "Most of the mugs I saw in the staff room sink have lipstick marks and I don’t think Raf and Fletch wear lipstick, do you?”

 

Serena could not find a suitable comeback for the accusation because that was something that Jason complained about as well, more about forgetting the tea he made for her than the cups but still it was an issue. Thank god for dishwashers, she wouldn’t know what to do without it.

 

“HA! Gotcha!” Bernie said triumphantly, correctly interpreting her silence as defeat.

 

“Have I ever told you about the stripper that came charging into Keller one day?”

 

Bernie's wide eyes were enough to let Serena know that she had successfully distracted her, so she proceeded to tell her about the stripper with the infected buttock implant.

 

“…Angus objected so fiercely, I couldn't tell if he was jealous or judgmental, even till today.”

 

“Wait. You and Angus Ferrell were a thing?”

 

“I don't know, we had dinner a couple of times, we kissed, does that count as ‘a thing’?” Serena arched an eyebrow, "Anyway, we agreed on that day that a future between the two of us was going to be impossible.”

 

“Ah, sorry.”

 

“Don't be, it was a good thing.” She smiled reassuringly. “You done? It’s about time for me to pick Jason up.”

 

Bernie drained the glass and stood up, "I’ll get the bill.”

 

“Oh I’ll get it. You worked the whole day, the least I can do is pay for the meal.” Serena stood up in haste to intercept Bernie and almost collided with her. She was close enough to smell the sweet beverage from Bernie, coconut was definitely one of main ingredients.

 

“Being a good boss are you? Go on then.” Bernie stepped back and Serena blinked several times to clear her head.

 

“No… no, just being a caring friend.” She gestured blindly behind her. “I’ll go to the cashier then.”

 

They walked back to the hospital with Serena talking about all the strange things that happened in Holby before Bernie was here. While the man with a pipe up his backside and Charlie Chaplins were peculiar, they were not the most hilarious one by far. By the time she had described two of her best cases in wild detail, Bernie was clutching Serena’s arm and laughing her full-body laugh again.

 

“I can’t believe you got Guy Self to lance the anal abscess!” Bernie wheezed.

 

“What else was I supposed to do? Besides, exacting revenge on Self and satisfying the patient at the same time is every consultant's dream, wouldn't you say?” Serena looked down at the mess of blonde hair now resting on her shoulder, still giggling madly.

 

“I really enjoy being around you.”

 

Serena didn’t mean to say it out loud but it was worth everything to see Bernie slowly raise her head as the sentence registered. Under the warm street light, she could see a blush was taking over her face.

 

“Jason is waiting," Serena made sure her tone was reluctant.

 

Bernie smiled thinly in return.

 

When they met Jason at the hospital entrance, they were surprised to see him wearing a broad grin. “The doctors say Allan will be discharged tomorrow! That must mean he is all better now!” he said.

 

They exchanged an uneasy glance. Being discharged after a stroke didn’t necessarily mean they were back at their full capacity, it just meant that the hospital couldn’t do anymore medically. Serena said that from her mother’s experience, she still needed full-time care after she was discharged from The Waverly. There was still a long way to go for Allan but telling Jason that was not a good idea either. Serena certainly did not have the heart to do so and another glance at Bernie confirmed that they shared the same thought. She hadn’t seen such bright a smile on a Saturday for ages now.

 

No one talked during their journey home but it wasn’t the kind where Jason was sitting glumly in the back and the other two in a tense silence. He looked out of the window as if the outside held things of immense interest to him, so Serena turned on the radio and hummed lightly to Swan Lake on Radio 4.

 

“Auntie Serena, we should celebrate! Would you like to play a game with me, Bernie? I have a PlayStation, there are many games on it,” Jason said just as they stepped out of the car. It had become a routine for Bernie to stay for at least a coffee but playing games was something new.

 

“Yes Bernie would love that, wouldn't you Bernie?” Serena cut across before Bernie even opened her mouth. She nodded instead.

 

Serena sat on the sofa and watched them as they played _Mirror’s Edge_ , or at least that’s what the title said, which she had to stop staring at the screen after a while, the camera moved around so abruptly that she was starting to get nauseous.

 

“Hey you all right? You look a bit green around the gills,” Bernie asked during a loading screen between the two levels.

 

“What? Oh I’m fine.” Serena gestured vaguely at the screen. “Just too many movements.“

 

“Ah I see, first-person not your cup of tea?” Bernie said knowingly.

 

“Don’t think gaming in general is my cup of tea. But keep going, you're obviously enjoying it.” Serena smiled.

 

Bernie watched her for a few seconds, but Jason’s exclaiming of a new level brought her attention back to the game.

 

So Serena stared at her instead. It was less disorienting but the movements were certainly just as much. Bernie was animated and caught in the moment of the game, she was almost mirroring the actions of the screen as it turned left and right and short of actually rolling after the character jumped. She cheered when she won the level the same way she grinned after performing a lifesaving operation.

 

“Do you want to play?” Bernie suddenly asked and Serena realised she had spaced out.

 

Jason was nowhere in sight.

 

“What, me? No, no I can’t - where is Jason?”

 

“It’s eleven, his bed time. And I meant something else, something less… nauseating?” Bernie raised an eyebrow as if she was daring her.

 

“Oh go on then,” Serena let a grin. “You'll have to choose the game though, I have no idea about these sort of things.”

 

Bernie patted the carpetted floor beside her while scrolling through the options with one hand on the controller. Serena sat down beside her with her legs crossed and one knee touching Bernie’s. She noticed that Bernie had stopped and stared at her, she turned and Bernie tilted her head towards the screen.

 

Flicking her eyes away from Bernie, Serena read the title. “Mario Kart.”

 

“It’s a racing game, I changed the viewing setting to third person. You should be fine,” Bernie said, handing her another controller.

 

On this rare occassion, Bernie was wrong. The game was a reflection of Serena’s gaming skills: a car crash. She started the game by stalling the car and spun out of control for most of the lap, somehow still managing to come second to last by some miracle because she released a booster by pressing on some button; she had no idea which one.

 

“Rematch,” Serena growled.

 

Bernie agreed with a dangerous look in her eyes which only fueled Serena’s desire to be better. And she was, if only Bernie didn’t decide to up her game as well.

 

“What the hell just happened!” Serena lowered the controller in shocked defeat.

 

“Luck?” Bernie asked.

 

The innocent tone made Serena snorted inelegantly, her eyes still on the screen. “Yeah must be luck when you launch a _rocket_ at me.”

 

Bernie didn’t respond so Serena turned to see why. She was staring at her with a gentle smile and mirth-filled eyes.

 

“You were right.” At Serena questioning look, she elaborated further. “You are good company.”

 

“Am I now?” Serena asked and lifted her leg slightly to press her thigh completely against Bernie’s.

 

Serena had no idea who went in first but there they were, lips meeting each other. She was right in thinking that they would be soft but they were so much more: they were slightly chapped from the lack of hydration and all the shouting Bernie had been doing; her hand was on Serena’s cheek, holding her steady as she deepened the kiss; she smelt of mint and jasmine which the latter was new to Serena; she tasted sweet at first but it turned slightly bitter as it mixed with the coffee she herself drank earlier.

 

She gently put down the controller on the carpet and flexed her fingers before releasing Bernie’s out of her equally tight grip.

 

Suddenly, she was pushed horizontally onto the carpet without breaking contact and the kiss gradually grew more intense. Serena swiped her hand from Bernie's nape to her waist along her spine in long, sweeping motions, exploring her back, and Bernie shivered at the heat of her hand. They parted when the need of oxygen far outweighed the want to keep kissing. Serena looked up to Bernie who was merely inches away.

 

“Stay tonight.” Serena wasn’t surprised that she sounded breathless.

 

Bernie immediately increased their distance but Serena still had a hand on her waist. “I am so sorry, I shouldn't have crossed the line… ”

 

“It's two in the morning now.” Serena gently laid the other hand on her cheek. “You could sleep on the sofa if you like but we both know if we share the same bed, nothing untoward will happen tonight.”

 

She watched Bernie internally debate with herself for a few seconds. She sat up and waited patiently but in reality she thirst to kiss her again, to feel those gentle lips against hers once more. Bernie nodded after a stretch of silence.

 

“Get up? You are sitting on me.” Serena chuckled as Bernie scrambled up in haste, mumbling apologies.

 

They dusted themselves down and Serena tugged her upstairs.

 

The next day, Serena was woken up by an alarming noise that she had never heard before and a draft on her back.

 

“What…?” Serena asked as she burrowed closer to the heat on her left.

 

The heat which Serena remembered as Bernie responded by throwing the duvet over her. “I’m afraid that’s my stomach.”

 

“You hogged the duvet,” she mumbled, throwing her arms around Bernie’s waist to pull herself closer.

 

“Sorry.” There was the unholy noise again. “And sorry for that too. We should get up for breakfast.”

 

“No.” Serena tightened her grip. “It’s only about seven, I can feel it from the lights.”

 

“It is seven but I've been up since six, so how about you stay in bed while I make some food for both of us, hmm?” Bernie patted her hands.

 

“Sounds good. Should I expect a banquet?”

 

“Er… no. Unless you fancy going into work in an ambulance?” Bernie looked down at Serena who was doing her best impression of a ball. “Toast and cereal are not a problem though.”

 

“Okay. See you.” Serena was asleep immediately.

 

She woke again at eight, as she did every day without fail, remembering the semi-conscious conversation from before. Showering and dressing, she made sure she was decent in record time.

 

She found Bernie sitting at the kitchen table twenty minutes later, munching on a toast.

 

“Morning you, here’s your toast and cereal.” Bernie said between bites, waving her hand at the seat next to her. “You will have to do Jason’s porridge, I have no idea how he likes it except honey.”

“Don’t know or can’t?” Serena teased slightly as she took a pot down from a cupboard. She turned around just in time to see that Bernie’s cheeks were red.

 

“Both.” Bernie laughed nervously.

 

“Just as well, who knows how much of a strop he will be in if it wasn’t done right.”

 

“You have to tell him, you know that right.” Bernie said when she finished her toast.

 

Serena sat down next to her when the porridge is cooking. “I know, but I don’t know how,” she said.

 

“Frankly? Just like you always have. Jason wants the truth and delaying the inevitable wouldn’t help.”

 

Serena was about to reply but Jason walked in at that moment.

 

“What do I want to know, Bernie?” Jason sat down in his usual seat, opposite Serena.

 

“Allan,” Bernie replied.

 

“Us,” Serena said at the same time but she recovered quickly. “Yes, about Allan. Jason, just because the doctors think Allan is fit for discharge doesn’t mean he is very healthy and can go back to before the stroke happened. He still needs lots of support and that means he can’t be your carer anymore.”

His reaction surprised her: he shrugged.

 

“The doctors there told me all that, Auntie Serena. He will have his own PA but I can still visit him at his old home.”

 

“Okay!” Serena jumped up from her seat to check on the porridge. “I’m glad that you know.”

 

She served the porridge but as usual, Jason would ignore it until nine am. Somehow, he seemed to like it more when it was not piping hot. She would probably never understand what went on in his head. They left for their nine thirty shift when Jason lifted his spoon to his slightly custard-like breakfast.

 

“We still need to talk. About us.” Serena said when she parked the car at the hospital.

 

“I guess we can’t ignore it.”

 

“Were you trying to?” She unfastened the seatbelt and faced Bernie fully. “Look, I have no intention to hide, it is just not in my nature to do so but I know you don’t want the hospital talk -” Serena didn’t get to finish because Bernie chose to move forward and kissed her.

 

“Sorry, wanted to do that for a while now,” Bernie said after they broke apart. “Also, is that enough? I don’t want to hide either but let’s just get on with our day like we always do, if people catch on, we don’t deny it, how does that sound?”

 

There was a small smile tugging at the corner of Serena’s mouth. “I would appreciate next time if you didn’t interrupt me. That does sound like a good compromise…” Bernie frowned when Serena trailed off uncertainly.

 

“But?”

 

“Oh no, not about that. Can… Can I kiss you?” She could feel her cheeks heating up.

 

Bernie smiled encouragingly as Serena leant forward. They were so focused on each other that they did not notice the approaching figure until a knock on the bonnet startled them apart.

 

Hanssen was looking at them through the windscreen with an amused expression. He waited patiently while they scrambled out of the car. “While I believe congratulations are in order, your shift started,” he looked at his watch. “Two minutes ago.”

 

Serena shook her head at Bernie who was preening like the cat who got the cream. She was about to drag her into the hospital before she could get them both into trouble, Hanssen spoke again.

 

“Ms Campbell, I wonder if I can borrow Ms Wolfe for a moment. Nothing sinister I assure you.”

 

She nodded and walked towards the hospital, turning to take one last look at Bernie. She was following Hanssen into the other side of the building.

 

Bernie returned after Serena finished the ward round -one of the Chaplins was still in recovery - she looked … well, she looked shell-shocked.

 

“What happened? Bernie?” Serena looked concerned.

 

Bernie stared at her for a few seconds before letting out a laugh. “He just gave me the _talk_!”

 

“What? He did what?!” Another look shared between them and the memory of Serena’s misunderstanding simultaneously ran through their minds.

 

Raf watched in confusion as the both of them hurriedly went into the consultants’ office and a harmony of laughter burst from within.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> Finally, 10 chapters in. I hope most people haven't got bored of the story yet.
> 
> The stripper with the infected implant is the Keller patient of the day in s17e43 Tug of Love whereas the anal abscess patient is the Keller patient in s16e18 Eat your Heart Out.


	11. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie received some bad news; Serena jumped to the wrong conclusion, and the hospital has some more gossip overall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised I did not reveal the answer to the question in the AN of chapter 9 (if anyone cared XD). 
> 
> It's the last episode of _Frankie_ where Jemma Redgrave was also a doctor!

 

It really didn’t take long for the rest of the hospital to catch on. Raf and Fletch were the first of course, they snickered at Serena so frequently that she had to stop and ask.

 

“Nurse Fletcher, Mr Di Lucca. Anything I need to know?”

 

“Where did Ms Wolfe go last night?” Fletch asked. He was trying very hard to keep a straight face. 

 

“Why?”

 

“Well, she didn’t change her clothes, did she?” Raf piped up from his side.

 

They all looked at Bernie who was doing the ward round. She was in scrubs now but they all remembered the clothes she came in: green checked shirt with a tail and the front tucked into her dark trousers.

 

“Also, what’s with the giggling? Raf told me you two look like school girls who’d been caught by the bloody head teacher.” Fletch continued.

 

Serena let out another giggle which made the two share a glance, worried that the pressure of AAU may have finally made their boss lose the plot.

 

“Oh yes we were caught all right,” she said.

 

Raf was still pondering what she meant but Fletch’s face was stretched by a wide smirk. “Come on, spill. What did the boss catch you two doing?”

 

She fiddled with a file and gave herself some time to reply, “Kissing.”

 

“You’re having me on.” Fletch reflexively answered.

 

“I don't think she is.” Raf was slowly grinning as well. “And I don't think it was just any kiss, you two were snogging!”

 

“I’ll leave the wild speculation to you two.” She walked away, chortling.

 

True to her word, they didn’t deliberately hide anything. So far, Serena had enjoyed the day. It was another average day in AAU, only with extra touching. It felt good to have Bernie asking her every now and then how she was doing. She was worried at first that she was suffocating Serena but she was quick to reciprocate so that Bernie would know that it was appreciated.

 

Serena would hazard a guess that by the time lunch rolled by, most of the ward knew about them. And if their interactions were only a small nudge, what happened in the afternoon was a slap in the face and possibly a whack in the head.

 

They were just finishing lunch when a nurse approached them.

 

“Ms Wolfe? A gentleman is asking for you.” He pointed towards the ward corridor and they both turned their head to their right.

 

He was a smartly dressed young man, but he was looking very uncomfortable in his three-piece suit at the same time. He kept on tugging at the collar of the dress shirt and fidgeting with the buttons on the waistcoat. He had a haircut that was basically non-existent with only an inch of blond hair on the scalp.

 

“Let’s hope it is not another doing of Marcus’.” Bernie heaved a sigh, squaring her shoulder.

 

“Need me to be there?” Serena asked as she watched the man with some apprehension; she was thinking the exact same thing.

 

“I’ll be fine,” she replied, a frown spreading on her face.

 

“Okay, but I’ll be nearby if you need me.” Serena nodded and walked towards a bed.

 

For a few minutes everything was fine, but as she was checking the OBs of Miss Amis, a loud thump caught her attention. Turning sharply, her eyes fell on the blonde figure across the ward. It was Bernie. She had sunk heavily onto a plastic chair, clutching her chest. Rushing to her side, Serena put her arm around Bernie’s shoulder.

 

“Bernie? What’s going on? Talk to me!” She turned to the man and demanded furiously, “What have you told her!”

 

“It’s Alex Dawson, isn’t it,” Bernie interjected quietly, looking up at the young officer.

 

Serena straightened up abruptly and took her arm away as if she was burned.

 

_Unbelievable._

 

She felt like a prize fool. A humiliated prize fool.

 

“No, Major,” the man said softly, “Captain Sabrina Warrington, you were put down as next of kin. I am so sorry for your loss, I served with her briefly; she spoke very highly of you.”

 

“She was raised in an orphanage,” Bernie explained shortly. Serena wasn’t looking at her but she could feel Bernie’s gaze on her.

 

He nodded and took out a small clear Ziploc. “Her ID tags, protocol mandates you gain possession of them. MOD will contact you in due course to arrange the repatriation ceremony. Major.” He snapped his legs together, nodded again and left.

 

“Come on, I’ll make you a cup of tea.” Serena guided Bernie into the office before heading to the staff room for tea.

 

When she returned, she found Bernie staring at the tags hollowly.

 

“So who was she?” she said, handing Bernie her tea.

 

“My protégé, I suppose you’d call her. You would have thought a girl who grew up in an orphanage and joined the RAMC would be the worst rebel, but in fact, she was the mousiest surgeon I have ever taught. She was so quiet but constantly observing everything at the same time.” Her hand closed into a tight fist around the bag. “The best diagnostician I have ever trained. I think I channelled what I couldn’t give Charlotte to Sabrina during my tours.”

 

“I guess she felt the same way.”

 

“We wrote to each other after I got back, somehow… they just stopped several weeks ago.”

 

The tightness inside Serena flared.

 

_Inhale. Exhale._

 

“And still you managed to think of Alex first rather than your daughter-figure.” Serena inclined her head and smiled mockingly. “Nicely done.”

 

Bernie’s eyes were comically large as she looked at Serena. “What?”

 

“Am I just a substitute for her because I am finding some similarities in circumstances here, especially my getting hurt on the ward?”

 

“How could you say that?” The blonde asked incredulously.

 

The force Serena slammed the mug onto the desk shocked both of them.

 

“You are still in love with her!” She was aware she was raising her voice but she didn’t care about that just then. “Why did you even kiss me if all you can think of is her?”

 

“I…”

 

Serena stood up. Bernie could only watch as Serena stalked towards her.

 

“You are a coward for not calling her, and I am a fool for falling for you. You have let me down,” she said emotionlessly.

 

When Serena turned around to wrench open the door, she felt like it was her own heart that was being wrenched apart. Stepping out, she realised the shouting had attracted the attention of several staff members. What made it even more unbearable were the glances of Raf and Fletch that flickered between her and each other.

 

_Inhale. Exhale._

 

She stalked away from the office with stinging eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

That quick downward spiral to hell was two days ago.

 

How she managed to catch not even a single glimpse of Bernie while working on the same ward for two entire days was beyond Serena, but there they were. She was still angry but as the days progressed, she became acutely aware of how much she had missed the trauma surgeon: the vacant space in her bed, the unoccupied desk in the office, the empty chair in Albies’.

 

The guilt for not comforting Bernie was eating at her as well. She was no stranger to the effect of her words; her mother wielded a similar power after all. She should have just stabbed Bernie with a scalpel, she would have come away with fewer injuries.

 

“Argh,” Serena groaned as the pile of patient’s files she carried scattered on the ward floor.

 

A pair of hands reached out to gather the pile neatly and handed them to her

 

“Thank you.” She straightened up and unexpectedly, a wave of disappointment washed over her as the nurse smiled at her and walked away, for a brief moment, she’d thought it was Bernie.

 

“I saw her going into the staff room half an hour ago.” Raf’s voice appeared over her shoulder.

 

She had been standing there staring at thin air for far too long.

 

“Who?” Serena tried her best to sound nonchalant.

 

“Ms Wolfe? You are looking for her aren’t you?” He raised his eyebrows.

 

“No.”

 

He shrugged before going back to his work. She decided she needed a cup of tea anyway.

 

Bernie was not in there. _Hanssen_ was.

 

He was reading today’s _Wyvern Post_ with a cup of coffee in front of him, managing to not look out of place despite the plastic furniture and pastel colours. He put down the paper when Serena opened her mouth and looked to his left. Following his line of sight, she frowned. Bernie was sleeping on the sofa.

 

Of all the nights she had stayed over, Serena had never seen Bernie’s sleeping face; she was always up and about earlier than she was. Serena never knew Bernie frowned so much in her sleep.

 

“She hasn’t slept for two days,” he said quietly.

 

“Two days,” she echoed.

 

“Surely you know she doesn’t feel safe sleeping alone?” He raised his eyebrow as he turned back to the short brunette.

 

_What?_

 

Her face was enough to inform Hanssen of her answer.

 

“She comes from a communal background where everything is done collectively. Alone meant a lack of protection.”

 

She pulled the chair opposite Hanssen and sat down with a sigh. “She hogged the duvets.”

 

He stared at her for a long moment before furrowing his brow and quirking his lips. “My point is: what happened?” He folded his hand elegantly on the table, “This is a stark contrast from what I saw two days ago and obviously Ms Wolfe is keeping herself to herself.”

 

“What are you? _An Agony Aunt_?” Serena smirked, settling into their usual pattern of repartee.

 

The skin around his eyes crinkled as he smiled in response.

 

“I had no idea Mrs McKinnie adopted me as her sister before I left the hospital three years ago.” His expression turned serious. “However, Ms Campbell, it would benefit not only yourself but the entire hospital if the two senior consultants were not avoiding each other awkwardly.”

 

She rubbed her forehead and all the frustration, helplessness, and bitterness just somehow tumbled out while he listened patiently, not once interrupting her.

 

“Why were you so antsy when Edward first came to work in the hospital?” he asked, after Serena finished her account.

 

“Antsy?” Her eyes blazed at the mention of her ex-husband. “I was not antsy.”

 

“If you say so,” Hanssen nodded, his tone suggesting he was no doubt humouring her. ****

“Why are you bringing him up? I am not still in love with him.” She was dangerously close to being a petulant child.

 

“Yet the fastest way of getting a reaction from you is to mention him. Or to inform you that we have a coffee shortage in the entire hospital,” he added airily.

 

“Henrik…” Serena drawls impatiently.

 

“I am not a heart surgeon and neither are you, but I think we both understand the heart works in mysterious ways.”

 

“Are you sure you’re not confusing it with God?”

 

“Does moving on mean you won’t be able to feel a part of them still residing there? Or worse, shouldn’t?” He continued as if there were no interruption, but then he turned his attention to the table, eyes distant.

 

Serena didn’t have an answer for that. There was a reason why she got back with Edward for that brief period after thirteen years of divorce.

 

The guilt that was just simmering underneath the pain and anger exploded with a renewed vengeance. What she had done to Bernie dawned on her in a horrifying light. She was cold and hurtful, everything she feared she might one day become, a replica of a side of her mother.

 

“I… I have to go.” She rose from her chair shakily.

 

Hanssen stood up as well. “I’m sure she would want to see you when she wakes up.”

 

Serena took one last look at Bernie, who was still frowning as if trying to diagnose the world’s most difficult case, but Serena knew it with absolute clarity that she was the culprit and cause of that.

 

“I am the last person she would ever want to see.” She whispered brokenly.

 

Her eyes stung for an entirely different reason when she fled the room, cup of tea forgotten.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> Jeez, writing this chapter took 10 years of my life away (or it might just be my family and the general environment). If it wasn't for Ro, I don't know how I can get through without screaming blue murder. A personal thanks to her.


	12. The Smoking Gun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena panicked, Bernie shouted, and Hanssen might just have a shining career as a relationship counsellor should he retire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happens immediately after last chapter.

“Of all the times you telling me not to smoke, turns out you smoke too.”

 

Serena dropped her hand that was holding the cigarette to her side and looked to Bernie. She was leaning against the smoking hut next to the peace garden with her arms crossed, watching Serena.

 

“Not as frequent as you,” Serena huffs out a laugh. “Last time I did that, Guy Self walked through the front door.”

 

“Are you that angry?” Bernie shifted her weight from one foot to another. Serena took a closer at her.

 

Those small periods of sleep didn't seem to be much help to Bernie: the skin of her face still looked drawn and tight, the shadow under her eyes were more pronounced and lines seem to be permanently etched between her brows. Serena wanted to reach out and smooth it out but she couldn’t bear to see Bernie stepping back and avoiding her if she dared to lift her hand.

 

Instead, she brought the cigarette to her mouth and took another puff. “You should go home, you need the sleep,” she said.

 

“I am supposed to be the one who dodges questions.” Bernie’s attempt to make a joke did not make Serena smile, it made her wanted to punch herself.

 

“At myself,” she said quietly, so quietly that Bernie had to lean closer to hear.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“I am angry at myself. What I’ve said, what I’ve done, it’s unforgivable.” She felt herself deflate as the words trapped in her chest finally got out.

 

“But you are right.” Bernie’s word nearly startled her into dropping the fag. “And wrong. I am a coward but you are no fool, I will prove it to you that you have made no mistake in being with me.”

 

“Prove?”

 

_You don’t have to prove anything, I don’t deserve you. I have hurt you, I should be the one proving myself to you._

Bernie obviously took that as a request for elaboration.

 

“I changed my shift pattern, I will no longer be sharing night shifts with Hanssen.” Bernie stepped fully into the hut.

 

Serena’s breath was getting shallower as their distance reduced. Her skin started to itch as well, partly desire to be in Bernie’s arms and partly shame to stay away from her.

 

“Why would you do that?”

 

“You once thought we were together simply from some tomatoes and that day on the staircase. I don’t want you to worry.” She seemed to sense Serena’s unease so she stayed unmoved, just barely standing within the shelter of the hut.

 

“I am not paranoid.” It hurt to hear that her absurd insecurity made Bernie give up a rare yet flourishing friendship.

 

“No you aren’t but you had a cheating ex-husband and I don’t exactly have a reassuring past record.” Bernie held out her arms, with her palms facing the sky.

 

“I don’t … I don’t,” Serena shook her head as if to clear it.

 

“Serena?” Bernie sounded concerned now.

 

Her breath grew even shallower. Is it possible for all the air to leave the lung and none returned? Also, she could not fathom why Bernie was being so forgiving.

 

“Serena!” Bernie suddenly rushed forward, grabbing hold both side of Serena’s face. “Breathe, goddammit!”

 

She was hyperventilating. _How humiliating,_ she thought. She breathed as instructed, one at a time.

 

“What the hell was that?” Bernie demanded after Serena regained regular breathing.

 

“I don’t know,” Serena said. “It never happened before.” It’s true, no matter how badly things became, she had never let herself lose control like that.

 

“It’s okay, I am here now.” Bernie attempted to guide Serena’s head to her shoulder to comfort her but Serena wrenched herself away from the embrace.

 

“Don’t do this. How can you be this calm about this?” She wanted to take another smoke but discovering that she had dropped it while losing control.

 

The cigarette spluttered out of ignition, Serena watched the ember faded, oddly fascinated. The spark was no longer there because Serena wasn’t there to maintain it.

 

The parallel was not lost on her. It was her fault.

 

“Oh, Serena.” Bernie put her arms around Serena and this time, she let her. “You love so fiercely, holding onto everything so tightly. Whereas I, love whenever I can and accept when things are over.”

 

“Is that it for us? Over?” Serena didn’t want to return the embrace, not if this was going to be the last, ever. Maybe if she didn’t, it would last just a bit longer.

 

“No. God, no.” One of Bernie’s arms tightened at her waist, the other stroked her back once.

 

Serena’s forehead fell to Bernie’s shoulder. One word seemed to lift all the weight that was weighing down, pressing on her heart.

 

“But Alex and I, yes, it’s over,” Bernie continued. “My life is here now, and I don’t have a single clue whether it will ever work out, two soldiers in a civilian world.”

 

“Have you not thought of going back?” Serena tentatively curled an arm around her waist.

 

“I quite like it here actually.” She chuckled slightly while tightened her own hold. “There are certain people that are very … captivating, let’s just say.”

 

She cracked a smile in response. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger I suppose, ” she said lightly.

 

In hind sight, that was the worst possible thing she could have said.

 

The warmth that once surrounded her vanished abruptly. Serena almost lost her balance and lurched forward as the support of her forehead shifted. She looked up and Bernie was standing away from her, almost out of the hut.

 

“Bernie? What…?”

 

“How dare you.” Bernie was almost growling. “What would you know about me, what I have gone through, what I have seen? Nothing. You. Know. Nothing.” She punctuated the last three words with an accusing finger stabbing downwards.

 

Serena did not speak. Everything was happening too fast, she had no idea what she had done wrong. The wind was blowing gently, making her ever more keenly aware of the empty space between them and the heat leaching away from her. She wanted to speak but she could not.

 

Turned out, she did not have to.

 

“Ms Wolfe.”

 

Hanssen, _again._

 

“What?” Bernie asked curtly, whipping her head around to face him.

 

“Domestics are best confined at home, don’t you think? If you would please follow me. Ms Campbell, come to my office by the end of play, please.” He turned and walked away without waiting for either of them to response.

 

Bernie begrudgingly walked away with one last venomous look at her.

 

By some morbid irony, Serena did lose her only moments after returning the embrace. The wind has stopped now but she had never felt so cold. Her breath was getting quicker again so she leant against a nearby tree and closed her eyes, doing everything she could to gain back control.

 

She didn’t know how long but it worked in the end.

 

Work. Maybe that’s what she needed at the moment. Hanssen was right, this should not have bled into work.

 

* * *

 

“What do you want?” Bernie asked.

 

He could _almost_ see the black cloud hanging over her head.

 

“Some peace and quiet, maybe?” He stopped in front of the lift.

 

“Bringing me along will ruin your plan.” The black cloud was in danger of breaking out into an all-out storm.

 

“I rather thought your sulking would help it actually. On the other hand, I don’t think Ms Campbell could take anymore, do you?” Another bland look stopped her from complaining, resolving to burn a hole in the metallic door of the lift with her glare instead.

 

They arrived at his office but he did not intend that for their destination. Bernie’s face finally morphed from disgruntled to confusion when he asked her to wait outside. When they settled down on the rooftop in the end, it went through a myriad of expressions and decided on surprised.

 

“Well that’s a change in scenery,” she finally spoke after a stunned silence.

 

“Coffee?” He held up the thermos he brought with him.

 

“Yes please.” She drank deeply from the cup offered, her eyes widen when it hit her throat “Oh! You got the brand I recommended?”

 

He nodded in assent. “What with you drinking half of my stocks every time you decided to make an impromptu visit to my office and during nightshifts, I thought it would be appropriate to at least go for your preferences. That said, they are not too bad.” He took a sip, not too bad indeed.

 

“So what now?” The black cloud was creeping back into her features.

 

“As usual, talk, or silence.” His answer was concise but conveying the necessary information; words from him would not help matter, he knew fully well in her case. Serena Campbell, on the contrary, needed to listen once in a while.

 

He spent the stretch of quietness taking in the view from the roof, it never ceased to amaze him. It simply could not be done in Sweden, everything was too _blank,_ not to mention too cold.

 

“I don’t know I was genuinely annoyed at her or it was just an excuse to blow up in her face. High chance it was both. She lives in this - bubble of peace, knows nothing about what happens outside her world yet she saw fit to make comments.” She was staring straight ahead and looking as if she was merely venting to thin air but he knew she was talking to him. “I understood why she lashed out the first time but she just couldn’t say something like that.”

 

He took another sip of coffee.

 

“The repatriation ceremony and funeral.” Bernie turned to him. “It won’t be right for her to come. Could you come with me?”

 

“If that is what you wish.” He nodded, opened his mouth and closed it again.

 

She noticed. “What?”

 

“I am supposed to just listen.”

 

She made a face and poked her tongue out at him. “Since when do you just _supposed_ to do anything? Come on, spit it out.”

 

“Don’t you think you are being a bit … harsh?” He paused as if to think very carefully at what followed. “I will not pretend to understand your situation but surely making this into be all and end all is not a solution?”

 

“You have already seen some of it, that’s why I asked you to come with me. But she - she had never seen me startled awake, jaws clamped tight because any sound would meant exposure to enemy; I have to watch my comrades die time and time again and I could do _nothing.”_ Her grip on the coffee cup tightened. “ _My divorce._ Combined with that, it’s not as rosy as she will ever imagine. ”

 

“You tell yourself you are protecting her from yourself but in reality it is self-preservation.” This time, it was his eyes that were fixed at the horizon.

 

He stole a cautious glance at her after a while and found that her eyebrows had skyrocketed into her hairline.

 

“What?” He attempted to look haughty; it only made her snort in laughter.

 

“Please don’t try that tall, dark, and looming on me, it will never work.” She waved her hand dismissively. “That said, maybe I am, and what if I am? One day, she will suddenly realise I have too much trailing behind me and end it.”

 

“Ms Campbell is capable of a lot of things but to my knowledge, mind reading isn’t one of them.” He let himself a small grin.

 

“You see what happened when we talk it out,” she said.

 

“Fair point. If you are the giving-up type of person,” he said nonchalantly.

 

She stood up suddenly and stalked away. Turning around at the door, she said, “what are you waiting for, dinosaurs to come back to life? Come on, I need to sort this out before this turns ugly.”

 

He surveyed the scatter of thermos, cups and bag surrounding him and raised his head to the sky helplessly. Packing up was certainly never her forte it seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> Up until now, the POV is Serena's, I hope the change in the middle wasn't too abrupt and awkward. Change of POVs will happen again in future chapters.
> 
> On another note, further (single-worded) comments about updates will be ignored. Please understand Ro and I have other stuff going on other than writing this. (wouldn't we give everything to be only writing fanfictions...)


	13. Lock and Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never listen to Fletch if you want peace of mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT IS THIS, AN UPDATE?!

Serena was pacing in front of Hanssen’s office. Doing mindless paperwork helped but the pile was too small for any effective distraction. She was even tempted to steal some files from across Bernie’s desk but after today’s debacle, she doubted it would be appreciated.

 

“Ah, Ms Campbell.”

 

She had just finished one lap and heard Hanssen’s voice from somewhere behind her. Only it wasn’t him standing behind her when she turned around.

 

It was Bernie.

 

She couldn’t look her in the eyes so instead she roamed her eyes everywhere else, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.

 

“Ms Wolfe, please stay behind and help with the _packing_ next time.” Hanssen was closer next time he spoke, breaking the stalemate between them. He thrust a bag at Bernie which almost made her stumble backwards and drew a key from his suit pocket.

 

They went into his office and before Serena could ask him the reason for this little _meeting_ , the lock engaged. And only Bernie and she were in the room.

 

“Hanssen!” She slammed her fist on the door. “Let us out this instant!”

 

“I feel like it is long overdue for me to be on the shop floor, so to speak, since you will both require cover on the ward.” He spoke through the door. “I will need the office back in two hours’ time.”  


“You can’t just lock us in here.” She banged on the door several times.  


“Can. Did. And I would appreciate if you don’t break my door, please.”  


“Open the door or so help me I will _decimate_ your door,” she shouted but there wasn’t any more response from Hanssen.  


She turned back to the room, expecting Bernie to be equally indignant but instead she was sitting on the couch at the back of the office, cool as a cucumber, looking at her expectantly.  


“What?” she asked, an enormous frown on her face and the onset of a headache brewing away.

 

“How’s the hand?” Bernie was looking at the floor. 

 

Only then was she aware of the throbbing of her hand, balling into a tight fist didn’t help but she said, “I’m fine.”

 

She walked briskly to the centre of office, bringing her hands together and spread them again.

 

“Look, I realise I didn’t say sorry properly before and I am truly sorry for overreacting two days ago. What I can’t fathom is what happened today. I will not apologise for something I don’t understand.” She turned and sat down on one of the chairs in front of Hanssen’s desk.  “Talk to me, Bernie.”  


“We had only kissed, what do you expect to happen in the future? Unicorns galloping into sunsets with rainbows in the background?” Bernie said, hands steeped together.

 

“Short term, try to find a balance and boundary between work and our relationship; long term, introduce you to Jason and Eleanor properly, do not talk about moving in or marriage at all - we are fifty Bernie, not in cloud cuckoo land, there won’t be unrealistic expectations.” Serena was getting frustrated, Bernie’s response was not helping to shed light on the situation.

 

“What didn’t kill me made me weaker, they refused to let me go even when I am sleeping.” Steeping turned into wringing.  


A sudden, invisible kick to the stomach startled Serena. _So that was why Bernie reacted like that earlier._

 

“I am sorry,” she said again but not offering any elaboration or excuse for it. The line was something Eleanor showed her, something that suited her more than she could say and helped her after climbing out of that dark abyss.

 

Assumption was a horrible thing.

 

“I’ve had nightmares ever since I came back. Marcus and I slept in separate beds after the first week. Different scenarios, different intensities. Which was worse than the recurring ones, I can’t brace myself for what horror awaits me when I go to sleep. I might scream myself hoarse in the middle of the night, or punch you in the face if you try to wake me, or - or can’t even get out of bed, just lying there immobile. No, you don’t have unrealistic expectations but are you prepared for those?” There was an unsettling vacant look in her eyes that Serena had only seen once before.  


She rose from the chair and walked towards Bernie, stopping just within arm-length.  


“Yes.” Serena reached out and gripped Bernie’s left shoulder firmly, it seemed to jerk her back to the present. “Because you’ve told me about them now, I am good but even I can’t read minds.”  


Bernie huffed out a laugh. “Hanssen said the same thing.”

 

“Hanssen. Ridiculous man.” Serena grumbled as she lowered herself to the floor, eye-level to Bernie. “But, he wasn’t wrong. I knew about the headphones only because you told me. It’s alright if you don’t want to tell me everything but I can’t accept you writing the whole thing off by assuming I can’t handle it.”  


Bernie leant forward and laid her forearms on her knees.

 

“I hurt people, that’s what I do. Alex, Marcus, it won’t end and you will be next, staying away from me is your best option.”

 

“Did you not hear a single word of what I just said?” Her legs were starting to cramp. “You kept _everything_ to yourself. People don’t like secrets and _especially_ don’t like being kept as a secret. Ask yourself, and only think about yourself, this: do you want this to work?”  


Bernie stared at her but her mind was evidently elsewhere. Serena shifted but maintained her perch.

 

“I don’t know,” she finally said.  


Serena’s blood ran cold at the answer, she knew she told Bernie to only consider herself but the answer punched a hole in her heart nevertheless.

 

“I see.” She tried to get up because her legs had fallen asleep but two warm, calloused palms on her cheeks stopped her.

 

“No, no, no!” Bernie’s eyes were wide and laced with something that took Serena a while to decipher: fear. “I was wrong. I want this, _I want this to work_ , with you.”  


Serena covered one of her hands with her own. “What brought this on?” she asked gently.  


“Your eyes, they stopped shining when I said I don’t know. It hurts me to see that, I don’t want to see those gorgeous, illuminating eyes lose their spark. Being the cause of that pains me.” A grimace twisted Bernie’s entire face.  


Serena observed the change her handsome features. Bernie looked as if the loss of her ‘spark’ had caused her actual injury, actual loss of blood.

 

“I have watched you so many times, in the office, on the ward, in theatre - especially in theatre. We lboth have brown eyes but somehow yours are always sparkling, with life, with happiness, with mischief, with triumph, with _emotion_.” She laughed derisively. “Even when you are sad, they shine. Yet I managed to kill it with three little words.”  


“Kill.” The word felt bitter, foreign, most importantly, unjust. “You haven’t seen me while I’m at my lowest, the things I have heard. So don’t blame yourself for this. Never. You are not the only one with bad days. I am not perfect and I hold no illusion that you are.” Her thighs were shaking. “And now, my physical weakness is catching up with me, I need to stand up.”  


Her knees went out for very unromantic reasons just as she stood up and she toppled forward. Bernie tried to support her but the momentum caused her to land backwards on the sofa.

 

“Nice.” Bernie’s muffled voice came from Serena’s chest level, no doubt getting a good view down her vest.

 

“Oi, eyes front.” She thumped her lightly on the head.

 

“Maybe if you don’t plaster yourself to me, I can shift.”

 

“Oh sorry.” She blushed slightly and lifted her torso slightly with her arms.

 

Bernie rearranged herself and Serena so that they could settle horizontally on the sofa. Serena found herself squeezed between Bernie and the back of the furniture while Bernie was lying flat on the seats, their legs tangled together.

 

“I haven’t been this happy for a very long time, Bernie, and that’s all thanks to you and Jason. We will argue, say thoughtless things but promise me that you won’t hide things from me?” Serena laid her arm across Bernie’s abdomen.  


In return, she felt an arm snaked around her back and tugged her closer. “Only if you understand that I am trying my best.”

 

“Okay.” She could hear the regular heartbeat and feel the gentle rise and fall of chest from Bernie at where she laid her head.  


_Serene._ That was what she felt in this precise moment. Despite her name, serenity was something she rarely experienced in life: her marriage started and ended in flames; her career had been, and was still being, one hell of a roller coaster; her family was one upheaval after another, some welcoming, others - not so much.  


Her calf chose this moment to cramp.

 

“Ah!” She let out a groan of pain.  


“Serena?” Bernie said, alarmed.

 

She held on tighter as if she could will the discomfort away. “It’s fine, just cramps.”  


“Your legs.” The realisation came swiftly.

 

Serena felt she was suddenly tugged upright until her back was leaning against the arm of the sofa. Bernie kept her position so that she could reach the legs easier, she brought one up and started kneading at the muscle. The relief made Serena groan out loud again.

 

Just as the cramps were beginning to abate, they heard a rustling sound at the door and the lock disengaged, the door was pushed open with such an air of urgency that made Serena almost fall off the furniture if not for Bernie’s firm arms holding fast to her waist.  


Hanssen burst into the room and for once, his breath was less than steady. When his eyes found them at the back of the room, he seemed to freeze for a moment before relaxing significantly.

 

“I see you have appropriated the use of my sofa yet again, Ms Wolfe,” he said, his body language back to his usual calm and collected state.

 

Serena looked to Bernie questioningly but she mouthed at her, _“I’ll tell you later.”_

 

“Yes it is rather comfortable, Mr Hanssen,” Bernie said cheekily, her relaxed tone suggested she had no intention to move.  


“I thought you said two hours. It’s been less than one.” Serena had a different opinion in her mind as she nudged Bernie off the sofa and started to stand. “Has something happened on AAU?”

 

Her question had the unexpected effect of startling Hanssen, his eyes widened fractionally and his mouth dropped open but nothing came out immediately, Serena noted with suspicion. Something was not adding up.

 

“Oh, no, nothing of the sort.” He explained after the momentary hesitation. “In fact I just finished the ward round and done some paperwork. I just thought this needed more of my attention as there are equal chances that this might resolve itself or end in tears.”

 

“Hanssen…” Bernie drawled, it would appear that she shared the same thought with Serena.  


They held eye contact for a few moments and Hanssen was the first to blink.

 

“Perhaps Nurse Fletcher had said something,” he began hesitantly, “Something that didn’t occur to me until it was being pointed out - ”  


Bernie was pursing her lips very hard and Serena finally caught on with what Fletch might have told Hanssen. “ - that locking a couple who was arguing in a room might not be the best idea if you want to keep looking at the room the same way as before?” she asked with an arched eyebrow and Bernie burst out laughing at that.

 

Hanssen’s both ears turned red.

 

“Well, you can rest easy now.” Bernie wheezed, still breathless from laughing. “It’s no way we are going to let our first - ”

 

“Please stop right there.” Hanssen interrupted her hastily.  


 

 _Ah, so it is possible for his ears to turn even redder._  


 

“If you say so.” She turned to Serena. “How are your legs?”

 

“Not cramping. Well, I think we should go, now that we have regained our freedom. I must buy Nurse Fletcher a drink, if not dinner.”

 

Hanssen pipped up before they left the office. “I assume I am not needed for Captain Warrington’s funeral?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hanssen, you really shouldn't put your foot in your mouth, it's beyond unhygienic. You should know that, being a medic and all that...
> 
> I am forever grateful for the companionship of Ro and things aren't particularly going smoothly recently for her, so if you all can send some love either here or at her tumblr that would be fabulous :) .


	14. Honour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grief has different ways of manifestation, Bernie didn't seem to have any.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like Prince Zuko when I was typing that title.

It was a cloudless day but the sun was not beating down harshly, a light breeze blowing towards her face. All in all, a lovely day.

 

_What a rat’s arse day for a funeral. Irony at its best._

That’s what Serena was thinking when she walked towards the airfield. This was unlike any funeral she had been to before, not only was it a clear day, there wasn’t a mass of black as well. The people attending were wearing uniforms with different kinds of decorations, each one glinting in the sunlight. One thing that remained unchanged was the atmosphere. No one said a word as she walked past, several people gave her a brief nod but quickly got back to their group or their own contemplation. There was a solitary figure in black standing ram-rod straight, away from the main mass.

 

“Mr Hanssen.” She'd said the name many times in greeting before but never had she felt that awkward.

 

“Ms Campbell.” He nodded at her once before resuming his resolute stare at the entrance of the airfield.

 

“Should we even be here?” They seemed to be the only civilians present, not even the girl’s family was there. Then Serena remembered Bernie told her that she never had a proper family until the army. Her stomach tightened slightly.

 

“If Ms Wolfe told us to be here, she should have already cleared it with the relevant authority. And if this is her rebellious nature at play, we shouldn’t even be allowed in, let alone standing here for fifteen minutes.”

 

She looked up at him. While in all fairness, his day-to-day attire was suitable for a funeral anyway, there was something unusual about him today. When he stole a glance at her and saw that she was staring, he quickly averted his gaze, she realised what was wrong: he was strangely rigid and uncomfortable in her presence even by his standard, gripping and releasing his fists alternatively.

 

“Ms Campbell, I…” His jaw was tightly wound as he pressed his lips into a thin line. “…am sorry.”

 

“Excuse me?” Serena thought she was hearing things. Henrik Hanssen was polite to a fault and he apologised for a lot of things but she didn’t think she had ever heard him saying ‘sorry’.

 

He seemed to be chewing on his words before saying them. “I should not have said what I said in the office. In doing that, I intruded on a barely healed rift.”

_‘Intrude’, that’s funny._

“If you hadn't said anything, she wouldn't have mentioned it until I inadvertently ask or worse, after this. She has lying by omission down to an art form, I’ll give her that.” She felt herself scowling and folded her arms over her chest before she could stop either of the motions.

 

“Cynical, to the last letter.” He raised an eyebrow in comment.

 

“I can’t expect her to change overnight, and I will not.” She let her arm fall to her sides. “But that doesn’t mean I am not frustrated by it. Plus, I was the one who insulted her first. If anything, I am the one who is intruding, you two do look like you have a mutual understanding of each other.”

 

“Ah.” His expression cleared and postured relaxed infinitely. “I had no idea that was how you feel.”

 

“Was that what you were worried about?”

 

He blinked twice in rapid succession but did not respond. She took it as a yes.

 

“Well.” It was intriguing, if not refreshing to see the unsure, emotional side of him, despite the circumstances. “If it makes you feel any better, we are intruders. Look at all the uniforms and look at us.”

 

“It is frankly hard to believe there is less black than colour but I believe Ms Wolfe would be wearing civilian clothing. She was medically discharged and not entitled to dress in uniform, she told me after informing me the information of today’s ceremony.”

 

_Informing the information. That poor man is rambling now._

 

“Say that again and I’ll bet you ten pounds she's not wearing black.” She stared back at Hanssen, certain that his attention didn’t stray from her and the conversation.

 

“Five pounds, I have had the unpleasant experience of waiting fruitlessly for change, and she will be wearing black, why wouldn’t she?” Commotion at the entrance made Hanssen shifted his gaze at the incoming hearse and the figure stepped out from the vehicle.

 

He hummed, somehow managing to make that single sound surprised, disappointing and disapproving at the same time. “You’ve tricked me, Ms Campbell, not many people can do that.”

 

While Serena’s attention was on Bernie who was nodding and greeting at people nearer to the entrance, she still had enough presence of mind to fire back. “Not many people are Serena Campbell.”

 

She knew how much Sabrina meant to Bernie but that choice of attire never occurred to her as a possibility or indeed an option. Camouflage shirt and trousers with an olive green undershirt, completed with black combat boots. She stuck out amongst all the dark blue like a sore thumb.

 

Surprisingly, there was no outbreak of murmur. In fact, everyone had ceased to talk, the only sound heard was the distant rumble of engines of planes. It wasn’t the stunned silence that Serena was in either but a solemn one: the ceremony had truly begun.

 

People nodded back at Bernie as she walked towards them, several people saluted her, she saluted back, her eyes kept darting back towards them.

 

“Thanks for coming.” Bernie broke into a broad smile.

 

Serena looked to Hanssen who inclined his head to Bernie. “You are very welcome.”

 

He blinked once deliberately at Serena, as if to say ‘not now’. Having got the message, she looked away hastily before they drew any unnecessary attention. So he could see something unsettling as well. She knew it was wrong for her to expect Bernie to be sad but that smile sent alarm bells ringing through her head.

 

“So what are we waiting for now?” she asked Bernie, noticing she was doing nothing much but just standing beside her.

 

“The plane.” When Bernie realised Serena was staring at her with a puzzled expression, she said with a hint of exasperation, “What else? This is an airfield, Serena.”

 

They waited in silence but not for long. Soon, a cargo plane slowly came into sight on the runway, turned 180 degrees and came to a complete stop with the nose facing away from them. The hold door lowered to reveal the casket and a solitary figure.

 

Serena recognised him as the young man who brought Bernie the news of Sabrina.

 

For such an anxious wait, the funeral went by like a blur. She thought they were going to transfer to a church but the ceremony was right there. Bernie walked towards them to receive the casket.

 

“I don’t have much to say.” Those were her first words when she stood gazing at it for a long time. “She probably didn’t want me to say a lot anyways. Precise and straight to the point, that’s who she was. So I am asking you now to think for a while, think about Captain Sabrina Warrington and the time you spent with her and promise that you will never forget her because we are all she had, and all she will ever have.”

 

Everyone dipped their heads almost simultaneously. Serena didn’t have any personal memory of Sabrina Warrington but she clearly remembered the anguish on Bernie’s face and the way she talked about her, so proud and fond. She knew if they had worked together in AAU, she would have cared for her, just as she did with so many juniors, Malick, Morven, Arthur, even Harry Tressler.

 

Serena stole a glance at Hanssen. He looked slightly … blank with a monumental frown on his face, she wondered what kind of memory he was thinking about.

 

“We will now move to the cemetery so if you either board the shuttle bus or follow the directions that was sent to you, thank you very much.” Bernie finished and turned her entire body towards the casket. Saluting it, she remained motionless until Serena approached her.

 

“You alright?” Serena asked.

 

“Yes, you know the way to the cemetery, right?” When Bernie saw out of the corner of her eyes that she had nodded mutely, she continued, “I’ll see you there then.”

 

She strode briskly away without looking backwards.

 

“Bernie – ” Serena called after her but she kept walking.

 

“Did she not hear you or pretended not to?” Hanssen asked from behind her, both watching her go.

 

She dare not ask herself which was that.

 

—

 

Serena had not experienced such a level of tenseness ever since she had caught Edward with a nurse in the store cupboard, all though the trip she drove Bernie back to her place came a very close second.

 

She turned to observe Bernie when they stopped at a traffic light. She pressed her cheek against the window and gazed out of it, cranking her head up to look at the clouds. Her eyes were soft but her jawline was tight, lips pressed into a thin line.

 

“Hey,” she called gently. “I was thinking, dinner, Hasselback potato with my secret sauce and roast beef?”

 

“What are you trying to do, drown me in butter and cheese?” Her eyes did not leave the clouds.

 

“Sounds amazing, doesn’t it?”

 

“Fine. Whatever.”

 

They didn’t talk anymore after that but it was a progress nevertheless.

 

Bernie had been adamant for so long that Serena would never see where she lived after staying at the hotel but this time, she offered no objection.

 

She didn’t know what to expect when Bernie first opened the door. Most probably a bloody mess. They stepped into the most simplistic studio she had ever seen.

 

“It’s hard to be messy when you don’t have much. Make yourself comfortable while I change.” Bernie walked towards a small cabinet and started taking out clothes.

 

Serena cast her eyes around the flat. Despite what Bernie said, this was a contrast from her desk in AAU.  It’s clean, too clean. Didn’t look lived in at all, even she would’ve at least left a couple of dirty glasses in the sink.

 

There was a mini-fridge on the stone counter next to the microwave. A single post-it note was taped to it with three things written on it:

• Put things back

• Throw the trash

• Wash the dishes

 

She started to turn, fearing that she might be caught snooping around. Then she thought better and swivelled back the cabinets to get started on dinner.

 

Potato, cheese, butter, paprika, salt, pepper… She let herself loose in the world of culinary as the ingredients laid out on the counter. Cooking was not her best suit but the kitchen was the one place no one was going to bother her. Men in her life, Jason included, tended to not bother with cooking and avoided the kitchen in general. Eleanor would rather play video games with her father or friends. Bernie, on the other hand, loved to watch her cook. Whether helping her, chatting about the day or just staring at her, she would stay in the kitchen.

 

As Serena’s thought drifted to Bernie, she started to get restless again.

 

A pair of arms chose this moment to wrap around her waist. “You’ve stopped.” Bernie’s voice was muffled by the position of her forehead on the juncture of Serena’s neck. She felt Bernie moulding the entire length of her front to her back.

 

“Sorry,” she said before picking up the cheese again to grate it.

 

Her thought was still on Bernie’s face when she entered the airfield even though her hands had been working mechanically on the potato, inserting the butter between the flaps.

 

“You know, there is never going to be a right way to grieve," Serena said quietly after smoothing out the edges of the soft butter.

 

The body behind her jumped minutely and the arms around her tightened a fraction. Moisture started seeping into the black fabric of her shirt on the shoulder before the tenseness could turn into something uncomfortable.

 

She let go of the food, elected to grip Bernie’s hand on her belly with greasy, cheesy hands. It was silly, she knew, but that was the only support she could offer; if only telepathy was a thing.

 

“Oven?” Bernie said hoarsely after neither of them had no idea how long.

 

“Yeah.” She lifted the baking tray.

 

“Left.” Bernie instructed and Serena felt a gentle tug on her stomach so she stepped back with her left foot.

 

“Right.” Serena moved again.

 

“Now sideways.” They shifted in tandem as if this was some mutated version of a dance.

 

Bernie released her. She suppressed a hum at the loss of warmth on her back and quickly shoved the tray into the oven.

 

“The potatoes are going to take about an hour, want to move to somewhere more comfortable?”

 

Bernie nodded mutely in response. Serena washed her hands while Bernie went to the sofa.

 

“I don’t think today is a good idea for alcohol, do you?” Serena handed Bernie a glass of water as she sat down beside her.

 

“There’s only vodka in this flat so no, not really.” Bernie stared down at her glass, eyes slightly red.

 

Serena gasped lightly while dramatically putting her hand on her heart. “You don’t even have a bottle of emergency shiraz?”

 

“I’m not exactly flushed with gold.”

 

Serena realised Bernie was right. While she paid for her own drink, she rarely strayed from the single drink and would nurse it for the entire night. Her lunches were also packed by herself and seemed to be a mess of whatever was left in the fridge, sometimes they were just microwaved food.

 

“Well, I will bring some over next time,” Serena said matter-of-factly.

 

“Next time?” Bernie’s glass was halfway to her mouth. “I wouldn’t have thought you would want to come back.”

 

“It’s the company that matters in my book.”

 

Serena peered down her glass but suddenly an elegant hand gently plucked the glass from her and set it on the floor. She followed the hand and stared at Bernie, who had moved closer, so close that Serena could see the distinct ring between iris and pupil.

 

“I don’t think I deserve you in my book.” Then Bernie leant in and kissed her.

 

There was a hint of desperation in the kiss, and it only grew as Serena was manoeuvred into reclining against the side of the sofa. Bernie pressed the whole length of her body against her, as if she was trying to merge the two bodies together.

 

“I need to - feel - something,” she said between the kisses she peppered along Serena’s neck.

 

Serena gasped, she could feel each individual one scorching hot, burning into a line of molten heat that travelled down her throat.

 

“I’m here.” Clarity of thought was scarce but that was what she managed to say.

 

Bernie froze, wrenching herself away suspending seconds later.

 

“Bern - ”  She couldn’t even finish saying her name before running out of air.

 

“Don’t call me that,” Bernie said out through gritted teeth, her face turning away from her.  Serena saw the sharp profile from the light coming from the window behind Bernie.

 

“Reminded me of her.” Bernie continued while leaning sideway and picked something off the surface of a side table. “Who wasn’t even there today and just sent this to the ward yesterday.”

 

Serena got hold of the offered item. It was a photograph, taken with a background of a military ambulance and nothing else but sand. Two people in fatigues, one she recognised as Bernie, throwing an arm over another woman with auburn hair who was smiling timidly. She flipped to the back, there were only three simple lines:

 

Bern,

 

I’m sorry. 

 

Al

 

“She might be out of the country…?” Serena ventured hesitantly.

 

“The envelope had only enough postage for mails from within the UK.” If this was December, Serena could explain the sudden chill but it was July and icicles would have felt less cold.

 

“Don’t.” Serena sat up and gathered Bernie into her arms. “Don’t resent her when today is supposed to be a day of remembrance.”

 

She held Bernie through every wracking sob wrenched from her chest and all the mumbled apologies to every person Bernie has lost in the army.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by [refreshingly-original](http://www.refreshingly-original.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thank you all for those lovely comments, they were all truly encouraging.


	15. The Seconds, The Minutes, The Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A case called Hanssen down from his ivory tower but he got more than he bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for keeping anyone waiting, it had been a tough first term for me and this chapter just kept growing and growing but enjoy!

Hanssen was working on the morbidity report on pneumonia in the Paediatrics ward when he heard the door open abruptly.

 

“If you are so insistent on hiding from Ms Campbell, I do hope you have brought some more of that coffee of yours, I’ll admit they are becoming rather addicting,” he said without looking up from the report’s conclusion, confident that there was only one person who would dare come into his sanctum without knocking.

 

“…What?” That voice was, most certainly, not Berenice Wolfe’s voice.

 

“What?” He answered and raised his head reflexively.

 

Serena Campbell.

 

“What do you mean,” She put her hands on her hips and demanded. “‘ _hiding from me_ ’, hmm?” The last three words had a dangerous edge to them.

 

There was no use lying to himself; he was scared of her when she looked like this, especially as these usually only happened during board meetings.

 

“I do not think I am the right person to ask this question.” He straightened the files in front of him.

 

“Is this about her nightmares?” She asked when he was in the process of aligning every page of the report so that the corner of the pile was at the exact same place as the base plate of Percy. He jerked at the question, pushing Percy off the table altogether.

 

Serena walked to the front of the desk and bent down to pick it up. Instead of placing it on the desk like most people would, she handed it to him. “I don’t know how you like it, and because I need information from you, a less irritable you would be the best choice.”

 

“Please take a seat.” He nodded. “I would question your judgement but I did resist the urge to inflict bodily harm on our previous chairman Terrance Cunningham when he picked it up and place it back haphazardly.”

 

“Well who wouldn’t want to punch that man?” She chuckled but turned sombre immediately after. “Don’t change the subject.”

 

Hanssen capitulated after an internal debate. Serena Campbell came here for a reason and no doubt it bore the name of Bernie Wolfe.

 

“Ms Wolfe used to frequent my office without warning, usually when she needed some peace and space.”

 

“The sofa,” Serena said, her eyes flashing in realisation.

 

“Indeed. AAU is not exactly a ward that prides itself on tranquillity.” He gave her a thin smile. “While she did not hinder any of my work, I did notice her increasingly dismayed expressions every time she strode in and deposited herself on the sofa.”

 

“You said used to, what changed?” She challenged. 

 

_Always the attentive listener._

 

“Coffee. You.” He added the last bit as an afterthought.

 

“Please tell me you are not that naive as to think I can somehow cure her.”

 

“Neither would coffee, Ms Campbell, even though I have some excellent ones that I tried to offer you but I do recall telling you she fared better with company. And not just any company, people she trusts and cares for.” He looked pointedly at her.

 

“I…well.” She looked pleased with herself for a brief moment before furrowing her brows again. “I am not here for a compliment.”

 

“Naturally not.” He stood up and gestured her to take a seat at the round table. “So how can I help you?”

 

She sat down but instead of talking, she stared at her hands, entwined and placed on the table for an abnormally long time. Hanssen dared not speak, he was quite fond of the current configuration of his limbs and head.

 

“I can’t do this.”

 

His eyes widened, “If this is either going to be your resignation or - ” _Why am I in the very heart of a messy breakup?_ He could almost see the Acute Admission Unit disintegrating in front of his very own eyes.

 

“What? No!” She looked horrified. “I – I didn’t mean it that way, I meant I can’t help her on my own.”

 

His shoulders visibly relaxed. 

 

“You seem oddly invested in our relationship,” she remarked.

 

“You are both my staff, Ms Campbell, your pastoral welfare is always part of my many remits.”

 

“You sure it has nothing to do with all these times she spent napping on your sofa?”

 

“Are you certain you are not asking for my help for the exact same reason?” He smirked.

 

Her ready-made excuse was interrupted by the well-harmonised twin bleeps from their pagers. Serena took hers from her trousers pocket as Hanssen carefully lifted his from the desk.

 

“Is AAU understaffed, Ms Campbell, because I have just been paged for a case?” His eyes travelled from the screen to Serena with a glint in them.

 

“Would you have done anything other than tell me to suck it up if I had said something now, Mr Hanssen?” she stood up and left the office, leaving the door open.

 

Bernie frowned at them when she saw them walking into the ward together. “Where have you been and what took you so long?”

 

“Our case?” Hanssen held out his hand for the patient file but Bernie cradled it to her chest. “Ms Wolfe…”

 

“Your file is at the Nurse station, bay eight, Ellen Spencer, sounds familiar? Been asking for you by name.”

 

“I cannot say it rings a bell. What happened?” He asked as he requested the file from a passing nurse.

 

“Major RTC, car skidded on an oily patch at high speed. First hit Mr Spencer and then crashed into a wall, crushing his legs.” She added to Serena, “That’s our case, in theatre now.”

 

“Okay, scrub in now. Mr Hanssen, you…” her voice trailed off as he wondered off with the file in hand.

 

Hanssen flipped through the file, trying to conjure up past memories of his past patients. At least to know whether to approach with a faint smile or a guarded sense of unease.

 

“Mr Hanssen, good to see you again, well at least this time it wasn’t Joshua on the bed.” A weak voice interrupted his train of thought.

 

He pulled his face out from the liver function test report. The pale face with silver hair staring up at him, smiling tightly.

 

“Ms Spence, Joshua Pryce’s mother.” He exhaled, memories of that particular case rushed through, before returning the smile, “How is his condition?”

 

“A lot more medication after his surgery but doing well.” She winced as a cough burst out of her.

 

“And you?” He watched her intently, ready to intervene.

 

“Morphine’s helping, so what’s the verdict?”

 

“The tests suggest that the impact may have damaged your liver.  As of right now, we are looking at a scenario of liver resection.  The abdominal ultrasound will tell us more.” He gestured to the machine beside her and was about to perform the inspection when Bernie approached the bed.

 

It was only then did he fully take a look at Bernie Wolfe. She looked a little haggard but so did most doctors who were employees of the NHS. In his years as a CEO and a consultant, only Serena Campbell managed to look well put together with a raging hangover, some might go as far as to say she was radiant, despite having witnessed her washing down tablets with a strong cup of coffee before the shift started. 

 

Suddenly remembering that he was in the middle of a busy ward with a colleague and patient present, he cleared his throat. “Ms Wolfe, should you not be in theatre?”

 

“Vascular issues, I got kicked out of theatre for ‘hovering too much’, I will plate the tib and fib when she is done,” she grumbled with her hands in the scrub pockets.

 

“Transfer your patient to orthopaedics when Ms Campbell has solved the issue.” He cut across her before she could protest but the fury was evident in her brow. “It is not your area to deal with any issues with the bones, not when we have a fully functional Orthopaedic department. We don’t hire them just so they could make inane sporting references at all times. In the meantime, perhaps you would like to treat this patient together?”

 

She took the files from him and flipped through it. “Have you done the ultrasound yet?”

 

“Care to do the honours?” He held up the probe.

 

“No, no. I have rarely worked a case with you, it would be an honour to admire you in action, Mr Hanssen.” She crossed her arms over the file and just watched.

 

“I am sure the honour is all mine.” Ms Spencer cut across Hanssen before he could reply. “Two consultants, you are a consultant right? Two consultants working their magic on me.”

 

“I wouldn’t say magic, we do what we can, although Mr Hanssen is quite the miracle worker from what I have heard from everyone here.”

 

Hanssen ignored the pleasantries exchanged between the two of them, electing to focus on the grainy image shown on the screen. Until of course, she mentioned vampires.

 

“Yes, thank you, Ms Wolfe. That will be enough; perhaps you would like to review the ultrasound?” This time it was Hanssen who inserted himself into their conversation, barged even, for the volume attracted the attention of more than one nurse and the flush creeping up from his collar could be observed all the way from the entrance of the ward.

 

“Just out of curiosity, are you blushing because of the volume or because I mentioned it, Nosferatu?” she whispered as she took over the probe.

 

“I have no idea what you could possibly mean.” He began to smirk but it faltered as she managed to squeeze in between him and the bed, her back brushing the front of his suit jacket.

 

“Intermittent bleed…” she turned around to speak to him only to find him all the way down at the foot of the bed. “Why are you standing that far away? You can’t see it from there.”

 

“I -” he cleared his throat as he addressed his patient. “I have seen it. The bleed is not too severe but you do require surgery, do you concur, Ms Wolfe?”

 

“Ah, yes. Routine operation, just repair the liver and you can be on your way, Ms Spencer.” 

 

He could see her eyeing him strangely from the corner of his eyes but he focused his attention on anywhere but her. “Very well, Ms Wolfe will be assisting me in theatre, see you on the ice.”

 

As he swept away from the bed, the noise of the front line ward came crashing down around him, quite literally rooting him to the spot. Order was non-existent in this place, the sound from the monitors clashing instead of aligning into a singular regular heartbeat, people rushing around and complaining. In the end, all sound converged, rose, expanded until it crested into one extending, never-ceasing sharp ring in his ears. He searched for the clock, trying to restore the order as the count began.

 

It subsided eventually, as it did every time but this time it accompanied with a gentle poke on his shoulder.

 

“Back with us yet?” 

 

He looked down, Serena Campbell again. This time in scrubs and a hoodie. She spoke again when he gave no response. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

 

He opened his mouth, and then promptly snapped it shut. Many thoughts ran through: How long has he been standing there? Why was he suddenly moving?

 

He still didn’t have the answer to the first question but he had the answer to the latter almost immediately. He was being tugged out of the ward by his sleeves.

 

“Ms Campbell, kindly let go of me!”

 

She let go of his sleeve but kept walking. “Well what am I supposed to do? Just let you wallow the day away? AAU is a busy ward as you know and we don’t want people questioning the sanity of the CEO.”

 

“So you have taken it upon yourself to intervene? I am fine.”

 

“I would not say I took it upon myself,” she frowned at his unimpressed expression. “I called Jason for advice.”

 

He wanted to stop short again but knew full well that would only incur the wrath of the woman.

 

“Elaborate, please.”

 

“Have you ever been traumatised?”

 

He shook his head mutely, intrigued to know the direction this questioning was heading.

 

“Then the chances of you having a flash back is minimal, in fact Bernie was floundering like a useless scrub top at the side told me pretty much what I needed. So I asked for help from the nearest person I could find.” She shrugged.

 

“Jason.”

 

“He does that, except he covers his ears and walks away if he can. You, you count the seconds.”

 

He stared at her with a raised eyebrow, she frowned when she turned around and realised he was not averting his gaze.

 

“The Smith Endowment,” she said softly.

 

He exhaled. The disaster of all board meetings which descended into a shouting match rapidly between two board members. He had been having trouble expressing himself that day and the sound reverberating around the room made him stare at the watch on the table unmovingly. His count reached to the hundreds when all the sounds vanished in a blink. 

 

“Yes, I was not aware that season’s fashion was accessorised by sparkling water until you so kindly reminded everyone present in the board room.” he smirked.

 

“They wouldn’t shut up so I made them shut up,” she said before gesturing at him. “And you know, you have helped me with Jason before so I thought…”

 

“The reverse might be effective?”

 

“You read my mind, and he told me to get you out of there as quickly as possible. Now I believe we still have a conversation to finish, your office?”

 

“That would be ideal.”

 

Back in his office, he took out a book from a drawer and handed to her.

 

“A former patient of mine is a psychiatrist. She recommended this,” he watched as she leafed through the book.

 

“It’s not very complicated or thick, should be done within a weekend, that’s without Bernie noticing.” She murmured, “Thanks.”

 

“Actually,” he went through the drawer once more and gingerly put a stack of books down on the desk, trying not to jostle anything. “That’s the start.”

 

“I know I’m short but I don’t think even you can see me over that stack. Books aren’t going to solve anything, surely you know that.”

 

“I would not dare to argue with you on that matter. However, some books were written by patients suffered from PTSD and their relatives, recounting their experiences and their ways of handling the condition.”

 

She nodded, then realised the man couldn’t see it. “What’s your top tip then, Mr Hanssen? Spill.”

 

He shifted the stack to his right to clear the path between them. “Maintain physical contact, she needs a force to ground her.”

 

“But…”

 

“That PTSD usually involved thrashing about, kicking and screaming and the carer’s safety should be priority?”

 

Serena nodded, hand going in circles, encouraging him to continue. He in return lowered his head and widened his eyes purposefully at the book she was holding.

 

“I could provide a detailed explanation but to summarise: Different people, different experience.”

 

“Sometimes I am glad I am not an F1 under your tutelage, what a hard life they must lead.” She made a face before standing up, book in hand.

 

“We are a teaching hospital, even we…dinosaurs may learn a thing or two at times.”

 

She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. “Keller is bad for everyone, first Bernie, now you. What else did Ric tell you?”

 

“Dr Digby actually,” he said with a blank face.

 

“Arthur?! I really need to work there for a shift or two, that boy clearly thought he’s off the hook after his transfer.” she growled and his face wavered slightly, looking unsure whether she truly meant it. 

 

He turned back to his paperwork in the end, choosing to ignore it altogether. “Please page me when it is time for Ms Spence’s surgery.”

 

“Fine…and uh, thank you.” she waved the book at his direction.

 

“I am glad to be of service, and should you have any more inquiries, I will be available at all times.”

 

“I might actually take you up on that.” She muttered quietly before closing the door behind her.

 

She was hoping to put the book away before Bernie could see it but for once in her life, she was doing paperwork.

 

“Hey.” She grinned from her seat. 

 

“Hello yourself. What day is today, my birthday?” She nodded towards the file she was writing on.

 

“I have to do it someday. The sun still rises from the east.” she frowned suddenly as she watched Serena edged backwards with her hands behind her back. “What is it?”

 

“What? Nothing, nothing.” She shook her head and widened her backward gait until she reached her seat. Reaching blindly behind her, the only thing she was successful in was tipping the bag over to the floor, spilling its content all over the polished tiles.

 

Bernie sighed heavily as she got up from her seat and knelt down to gather the inordinate amount of paper, even for a deputy CEO on the floor, not finding any of it out of place until she caught sight of the titles: 

 

Does PTSD Differ According to Gender Among Military Veterans?

 

A Systematic Literature Review of PTSD Among Female Veterans From 1990 to 2010

 

Sleep Diaries of Vietnam War Veterans With Chronic PTSD: The Relationships Among Insomnia Symptoms, Psychosocial Stress, and Nightmares

 

Collaborative music therapy via remote video technology to reduce a veteran's symptoms of severe, chronic PTSD

 

She stopped reading long before she realised it, words were blurring together as one, or rather hands shaking so hard the words were no longer comprehensible. Nevertheless, she managed to stack the paper into something that resembled a pile and shoved it on Serena’s desk. When she stood up, she was only a scant inch between her and Serena, she could see the nervousness in Serena’s face, eyes darting around her face in search of fury, disappointment, something. Instead, Bernie reached around with a blank face to pluck the book out of limp hands and tossed it on the desk.

 

“Bernie - ” Serena began croakily.  “I -”

 

Bernie pulled her into a tight hug before she could even start the sentence. “I am so sorry.” She mumbled into rich, velvet brown hair.

 

“What for?”

 

“For worrying you unnecessarily. God knows how much time it has taken you to find and read those articles.” Bernie’s voice caressed her almost physically as each exhale on each syllable washed over the shell of her ear.

 

“Unnecessary?” Serena’s arms finally acted under her control and wrapped around Bernie. She huffed out a laugh with half a sob mingled in it. “Nothing about you is unnecessary.”

 

“Not even my messy state of being?” Bernie stroked the back of Serena’s head.

 

“Not even that but it is very close.” She leant back to look her in the eye. “I just want to help, I hate to see you in pain.”

 

“So you went to Hanssen.” They twisted their heads and stared at the book

 

“He has the answer, well I assume he does.” Serena turned back to see Bernie staring at her with what she could only describe as wonder in her eyes. “What?”

 

“You and your pride, yet you still went to him for help.” Bernie whispered, as if it was a precious secret only privy to her, within these four walls.

 

“Would you rather I go to Ric?” Serena smirked but her eyes were filled to the brim with warmth and tenderness.

 

“Oh how would you cope?” She chuckled before kissing her lightly on the forehead.

 

“It sounds naive but I would do anything for you.” Her hand stroked up and down her back, head ducked to hide the faint blush staining her cheeks.

 

Bernie didn’t reply, choosing to tighten her arms and just bask in the moment. The thing about Keller, she thought forlornly for a second, was that you could at least get a rest. She never appreciated that until now, perhaps sharing it with someone she cared about was the key.

 

Hanssen watched from the partially opened blinds with a faint smile as he walked through the entrance. He had heard snippets and tales of what happened to her while he was away. Of course he did, he was the CEO and people would be forever fooling themselves if they think gossip will be forgotten after a period of time, it was only buried and could be unearthed at anytime. It was high time Serena Campbell found happiness and from no one less than Berenice Wolfe. 

 

A blue figure brushed past Hanssen and he recognised it as Nurse Patterson. As he turned left, he realised his goal was the consultant’s office. 

 

“Nurse Patterson,” he said quietly, stretching his hand out with a blank face. The file was surrendered to him without protest. Hanssen allowed himself a tiny smirk but not the pretence of relief that his dignity remained completely intact after the disturbance earlier.

 

He flipped open the file despite it being one of their patients and set to work on the ward and its various patients. Eventually it led him back to Ellen Spencer.

 

“Ms Spencer, have you signed the consent form?”

 

She nodded once and her head fell back to the pillow.

 

“Is there anyone you would like us to call?” he ventured. “Joshua’s father perhaps?”

 

This time, it was a tight shake. “They are in Scotland, holidays for Joshie are hard to come by.”

 

Hanssen took notice of the sheen of sweat and the slight shake in her voice. “I understand. If you would excuse me.” He turned around, already aware of the irony of what he had to do only to find Bernie staring at him.

 

 “Ms Wolfe -”

 

“Are you okay?” she asked as soon as he was within hearing distance.

 

“- it would seem that Ms Spencer requires her surgery sooner than we thought.” 

 

“Oh.” she was taken aback by the bluntness and perhaps the utter disregard of himself. “Right. Okay. I will see to the theatre slot being brought forward.”

 

He nodded. “I will update the patient.”

 

“Wait -” she started but he was already walking away, leaving her to let out a frustrated groan.

 

He spoke to her eventually, when they were scrubbing out. “Thank you for your concern but I am fine.”

 

“You didn’t look it earlier, it was like looking…looking at a doll. Did - did something happen?”

 

“It is not an involuntary recurrent memory, and Ms Campbell came to the same conclusion, including citing you ‘flapping about like a useless scrub top’ as evidence.”

 

She barked out a laugh. “I felt like one. She certainly knows how to use her words.”

 

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a woman with a sharp…wit.” he recited over the sound of water clanking as it hit the metal sink.

 

She groaned out loud. “I know you are a quotey kind of guy but Pride and Prejudice? And I am sure there weren’t ladies with such inclination.”

 

“One never knows, Ms Wolfe.” He reached towards the paper towels.

 

“One never does but one has a fairly strong hunch that there weren’t any zombies in the Regency period either.”

 

“What in Asgard’s name are you trying to imply?”

 

She waved her hand dismissively. “Something Charlotte got into, a rewritten version of the novel but with zombies apparently.”

 

He seemed to ponder her word as if it was a crucial information, “Has she made contact with you?”

 

“She is my daughter, not a Martian.” She sighed. “No, it was while I was still in the army.”

 

He nodded mutely. Bernie would have missed it if she wasn’t reaching over to grab a paper towel. Even so she did nothing other than kept wiping her hands. “It isn’t like I did any conscious effort to getting to her.”

 

Hanssen did not speak but kept patting his arms dry even they were both bone dry long ago.

 

“You’re not going to ask me why?”

 

“I don’t have a 20-year-old child who, from what I heard, is as strong-willed as her mother. It is natural that you don’t feel like she should receive any attempt of solace from you.”

 

She dumped the paper towel. “You are not talking about me anymore are you?”

 

“You are scared of her reaction if you ever get into contact with her. You have felt the wrong you have done by her cannot possibly be compensated by any future effort.”

 

“Hanssen…” 

 

“You have to. For the both of you.” He turned to stare at her but Bernie was getting the distinct feeling he was staring right through her, that she wasn’t actually there. “The anxiety is insignificant, regret will far outweigh it if you refuse to take any action. Do not make that mistake.”

 

She knew she had miscalculated when she clapped her hands in front of him and a few droplets splashed him in the face. His eyes zeroed in on her and took a half-step back, startled. 

 

“Excuse me.” He whispered those two words before hurrying away.

 

“Hey…!” She tried to go after him but was intercepted by a nurse as soon as she walked through the theatre door. She could only helplessly watch him as he walked out of the ward.

 

Work swamped her afterwards, including the post-op debrief of Ellen Spencer.

 

“How are you feeling, Ms Spencer?” she asked when Spencer woke up in the recovery room.

 

“Less bled out, I guess?” She smiled, “but definitely grateful to be alive, thank you.”

 

“It’s all part of the service.” She smiled politely as she picked the patient file up from the end of the bed.

 

“Where is your partner?” She asked as Bernie took note of her vital signs.

 

“Hmm? Just working on some paperwork I think.” She answered automatically. Serena stayed behind after their conversation and didn’t have any electives for the day. 

 

“Thank him for me will you? He had saved my son’s life and he saved mine jut now. He looks happier now that he’s found someone.”

 

“Yeah sure - ” She stopped short after realising what she meant. “What, no, you’re mistaken. Mr Hanssen is not, we are not a couple.”

 

Her face fell. “I just assumed, sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, not the first time.” She smiled fondly at the thought of the woman probably reading that pile of journal articles in her office.

 

“It was just the way you two look at each other, you teased him quite a lot too and he doesn’t look like the kind of person that usually allow people to tease…” she trailed off at Bernie’s insistent writing on the file.

 

The silence was becoming almost unbearable until Bernie placed the folder back in its hold. “By all accounts, the surgery went well with no complications; you will be transferred to Keller to recuperate for a day or two. There shouldn’t be too long before you are discharged.” She said as she would with any other patients. Neither her tone nor face betrayed any negative emotion.

 

Spencer just nodded cautiously, wary of her reaction - or rather lack thereof - and just watched her walk briskly out of the recovery room.

 

She made it as far as the nurse station where she dropped into a chair heavily, things in front of her swimming in and out of focus. Fletch eyed her curiously from his seat.

 

“Bad news?”

 

That startled her out of her reverie; she shook her head quickly, blonde curls bouncing. “Nothing. Sorry, excuse me.”

 

He watched as she jumped up from the seat and almost ran out of the ward. Must be some case. He shrugged and went back to his work.

 

She went into Hanssen’s office without bothering to knock. 

 

“Ms Wolfe, did the art of knocking die on us in the last 24 hours?” His harsh tone only made her frown harder in concern.

 

“Sorry.” She shrugged inelegantly as she dropped into the sofa. “Ms Spencer’s post-op brief went well.”

 

“And that necessitate a personal visit?” His hands moved around the table, fixing the corner of files, aligning stationary, all the while keeping his eyes on the damn silver fish.

 

“She knew you, just thought you might want to know. And, um, I would like to finish the conversation in the scrub room.”

 

“An email would suffice and there is no conversation to continue.” He said in a clipped tone.

 

“I can hardly put ‘P.S. The patient thinks we’re a couple’ - ”

 

“Out.”

 

“ - In an email, what?” She stopped mid-chuckle, noticing the word hurled at her.

 

“I believe you still have patients, kindly leave my office.” He appeared to have come to the realisation of what his hands were doing all of a sudden.

 

Bernie witnessed the transformation of a Medusa's victim. She stood up and walked to him gingerly.

 

“Hey…can you look at me?” She approached him as she would a soldier, cautiously and nonthreatening, what he said about flashbacks be damned.

 

“Just leave, please.” She heard the soft plea before she could stand in front of his desk.

 

“Fine, I will come and check on you later.” 

 

“Do not return unless it is concerning the ward, close the door gently on your way out.”

 

She stared hard at the man, eyes narrowed for a tense second before sweeping away silently. The door closed with a quiet click despite her urge to leave it open or even to slam it shut.

 

A faint cracking in the lift back down to AAU brought her attention to her fist. It was her phone’s way of protesting from being squeezed too hard. She loosened her grip slightly.

 

The lift door opened to reveal Serena. 

 

“Hey I was about to demand the Swede to release you. Everything okay?”

 

“Y-yeah.” She smiled tightly as she stepped out of the lift. “Why not?”

 

“You looked a bit…stunned. Did he impart some wisdom?”

 

She looked down at her phone. “Actually he did.”

 

“Oh?”

 

She didn’t know why she chose to lie at that moment, but she did. “I think I‘m going to call Charlotte.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by refreshingly-original
> 
> Ellen Spencer is the mother of Keller's patient of the day in s15e50 Fredrik, the only patient/relative who seemed not to hit on/insult/make Hanssen uncomfortable...
> 
> Also a huge thank you to CommanderInChief who inspired part of this.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think about the story!


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